Post-Mortem Anxiety

A week ago, a normal once-in-a-week evening of stress releasing after work, (day off on the following day), me and my girlfriend had dinner on a small Japanese Buffet. We entered famished, escaped satisfied. Gastronomically delighted, we decided to take a little walk to home. December is finally coming. Our place is getting colder as people strapped in with their jackets and scarves. Socially inclined, going out in restaurants, literally. During the summer time, you can't afford to eat outside of the air-conditioned spaces we call a place of retreat. We stopped by to have a nice talk outside this area.

A small carnival style in the middle of the streets

In my case, it is unusually satisfying to watch people walk and socialize or anti-socialize. You name it, seeing them as groups peacefully enjoying the company of each other or someone who drowns at their phone trying to conceal the outburst of their emotion when they see something hilarious in their Facebook feed. Whether it's someone who eats their lunch with a companion up to someone who casually smokes while walking to the cigarette bin. It's all satisfying.

Then in a middle of our conversation, a group of Christian Baptists arrives. From the moment this group of three (one middle-aged man and a middle-aged woman together with a guy in his mid-20's), I knew they are Christians. Raised from a Christian family, you'd differentiate a Christian missionary to a prospector of some kind of Multi-Level Marketing scheme. Almost the same but you'd sense the difference through their smile and handshake. As I look at my girlfriend's eyes, her glare insisted "please talk us out of here". Full of regret, my smile told her otherwise. I wanted to talk to a bunch of strangers and wanted to see them react to the knowledge of my openness as a non-believer of some sort.

So then the fun starts. They begin with the usual - "do you have 5 minutes?", followed by everything similar of first questions on blind dates. Name, work, life status everything that you'd eventually forget from talking to a stranger. I politely broke the clichèd ice-breakers by stating "Are you guys Christians?" and the young guy started opening up how he deliberately converted from Catholic to Muslim to being a Christian. I had asked how he's able to leave Islam. I mean he even told me he was even promoted as Imam.(Imam is an Islamic leadership position. It is most commonly in the context of a worship leader of a mosque and Muslim community by Sunni Muslims.-Wikipedia). He seems focused on the scripts of his statements and as for my perception, he looked like an apprentice of the older man. Trying to see if he's prepared on sharing or "saving souls" alone.

While he is trying to pursue and read me, the lady took the time of having a conversation with my girlfriend; and probably my girlfriend gave one question, one answer routine - I overheard that they ended up with a prayer in a few minutes of conversation.

Then the older man saved the conversation and pointed out the usual. Salvation, God's omnipotence, God's just, kind and loving personality, and God's punishment (the end times).
I don't want to be rude, yet he gave me same objections, same arguments from other Christian speakers as well. So I replied with my perception of God's self-contradictions - pre-destiny and free will; Loving Gift (heaven) and Eternal Torment (hell) and many others. They seemed tedious as the conversation got longer thinking it's pointless to convince. They even repetitively inserting the terms like "we are not trying to convince, persuade or convert in any way" or "we are not talking about religion here" yet they statements prove otherwise. Nonetheless, noticing my girlfriend's sigh - I started to elevate the conversation a little closer on it's ending.

I begin my last statements as the arguments of "Truth being subjective" as the difference in culture, environment, and upbringing affects human nature and the view of what is considered as righteous or abomination in a specific group. I uttered "sir I do understand you and I appreciate your efforts by trying to save my soul. But in the end, I do not believe in Heaven as I do not believe in the concept of afterlife along with its punishments and rewards. I like to live life simply with a golden rule, do good to people. I don't need rewards for that, as the happiness or the help it brings to other people is already rewarding for me.."

Believe me, dear reader, as I could have gone longer but as I suggested in my last words with them is that neither of us would give up on our beliefs, yet I appreciate their efforts to communicate, connect rather, in a random stranger.

As we depart, the young guy told me. "You remind me of my mentor, though he does not absorb all the knowledge. He filters it. He throws away the information he does not need and keeps the necessary one. Like how you filter your Facebook feed of fake news site vs. real news sites",
I would really like to tell him that time that I do. Although, like Facebook feed filters, I need to remember those bad information as well, like those cruel old testament rules in Leviticus.

Still, I don't want the conversation to be longer as it took already 30 mins of our time instead of 5. But I enjoyed speaking with these strangers at that moment. I really wish I have brought my camera that time to take a photo of them and tell their story to the world.

We ended up shaking hands, then I bro-hug both of them. They told me, they will keep on praying for me. If heaven and hell are true, then probably they are worried sick for my soul already in line for hell, and God being omnipotent, he already decided my soul going to hell from the day I was born. So much for his amazing love.

My final words are "hope someday we'll see each other in outreach programs, as I dream of having an organization helping those in need." They smiled and we turned in different directions. My girlfriend sighed in relief and we moved on - Then I suddenly told her, 

"Probably I'm not able to worry when I'm dead already, so why should I waste my whole life worrying about something I'm not even sure of exists for me after I die?"

Who knows. Life is already hard enough to prove your worth. 

Light awaits.. outside our apartment in a sunny day. 

Read More

Overlooked Disorder

Constantly looking at my watch, waiting for the exact time before moving and taking action. Reminding myself the recent things I said to someone. Reviewing my words, my actions and other people's reactions towards me. What did I do wrong?

When I was a young boy. Lego was my favorite toy. Building in symmetrical sizes and colors satisfies me. I buy small chocolates for the spare changes my mom gives to me. Chocolates with roughly the size of a quarter, I divide them into fours, plate them nicely and well arrange, and devour them from time to time. Balance and order satisfy me as a young boy in the age of probably 6 or so. I live in the illusion that I might be a builder, engineer or architect. But I wasn't. It was just the early signs of this overlooked disorder of having orders.

At the age of 9 or 10, I was introduced with a game called Command & Conquer: Red Alert. I was never addicted to any game but this one was a personal favorite. The game is simple. You build a base, find a source of money to provide the necessary finance for the army you need to build in order beat down enemies that will do the same. It was a strategy game, the faster you beat an opponent, the better. I was never fast. I take my time. I build the perfect infrastructures in the best locations. I was anxious on how my base would look like, how my defense system was perfectly aligned. That is how I played the game - I made sure that my base was impenetrable.

At this age onwards, I find the need of placing myself on a group. Something that defines me - a talent that could describe me. Singing was off the list. Dancing was shit too - though I tried to but really I can not (I even tried from hip-hop to ballroom). I was never a sports enthusiast, I tried badminton, I tried basketball, tried the marathon, Nothing worked or probably my passion was not enough. I tried playing guitars. Finally, something I can be good at, but never good enough. I played bass guitar also - I don't even remember the basics now. I need something else so I tried to take a seat in a band. I played drums. I was pretty OK in it. I'm obsessed on beating on perfect time. Playing imaginary drumsets keeps me calm and relaxed - so I finally labeled myself as a drummer (a mediocre one).

"Writing" was just new to me. I tried writing songs before but I never finish it. I tried submitting a story when I was young - it was a fantasy as I recall. Involves trees and shit. I tried drawing. I tried comic style but it was very unsatisfying. I can't replicate the images in my mind through my drawings so as usual, I threw it down the drain.

I tried editing. Photoshop and Video Editing. Photoshoots and Video Directing. I can say I love video editing and directing. I like creating stories, short sketches, and plays. I just love adding personal humor and extending my thoughts through this art for everyone to see. Unfortunately, only a few people appreciate it. Maybe it wasn't good enough to captivate other people, huh. Or I'm just really really bad at marketing. 

I tried lots of hobbies, simultaneously. My parents, my close friends even my partner thinks I wanted to try everything. I wanna be a jack-of-all-trades. I wanted to be something everyone can understand, everyone can notice. I thought the same. I thought that I wanted to be able to relate to everyone or just in the process finding myself.

Ever since I can remember, I have a lot of thoughts before going to bed. Some nightmarish stuff that changes as I mature. Usually, it was a boogeyman under my bed or waking up with a fluffy white horrifying ghost lady breathing straight in my face or even insects crawling from my feet up to my orifices. Now, it was what if's. It's never ending. Recalling past situations and the alternate timelines if I changed my statement or decision.

I checked up the clues. Searched the web with the people having the same situation I'm facing. I have it. Before, I'm just kidding that I considered my over-organized mood was a part of my OCD. 

Like other people and myself, we misunderstood and overlooked the situation. It was not just being organized. The constantly arranging things, constantly washing or cleaning my hands, the anxieties before bed and the never-ending what if's every day, the thoughts of locked doors, the mise-en-place cooking rituals and now, I'm smoking. Everything is connected to assurance. I always needed assurance.

People will never understand the person without knowing the definition of their disorder. Until that, we will always be misunderstood as try-hards with bad and unusual habits.

While we find a cure, we find self-help treatment and seek therapy - People already gave up on us and tried to find fault within us. The pain is not the disorder itself. The pain is knowing somehow, we find hope in isolation. We travel alone inside a bubble that most people we thought would understand was standing outside, judging us.

Read More

Departures

Death. A normal phase for everything and to everyone. A part of a process called life. The concept of Phoenix rising from the ashes is somehow more than just a fantasy but inspired by well, reality. Whenever a living thing dies, new life emerges.

With enough moisture, any decaying organic matter, a new life arises - mold. I never have seen such a disgusting thing become so elegant in this time lapse video.

When we die, we rot and we give life to other beings. Like how plants or animals become our food to live, we die and become theirs. It's a matter of giving and taking, a balanced harmony amongst all of us.

During the elementary years, we are taught about different hierarchies and us humans being the top of the Food Chain. What makes us advance is probably that we control other species. Other species have clans, have social orders and have their own political agendas we might not be able to fully understand. For we know they might have been secretly "studying" us and waiting for us to be vulnerable enough. After all, we humans are the only creatures in the world who destroy the things we build in the name of God, Gold and fucking Glory which I don't want to understand all I know is, this three G's can be summarized into one and that's probably "Greed".

Death, Life, and God. Three things human nature go nuts for since the beginning of time. We give simple meanings to ordinary things that have complex explanations to some. From common questions like "why is the sky blue" to "where do people go after death?" gives everyone at some point, a scratch in the head gesture.

We go on and define the things we are told to as their definitions, as their true explanations. Growing up and looking around, observing the nature of humans related to me, I realize that there are more than the answer we are told to.
To be less redundant, imagine a situation that our parents told us as the only way to go from our school to our home. Actually, they never said it was the "only" way, but they never gave us other options as well. As we get used to this method we either conform and continue believing in it unless we'll have a situation that finding a detour is a necessity. We then find other forms of transportation, routes or whatever. From this point, we can either return from doing the old one when it's available again or carry on and continue the new discovery. We actually have another option. Find more ways and choose the most suitable.

Most will stay conformed and follow the set of beliefs and standards given to us when we're young. Jumping out of the norm can cause bad reputations such as being a rebel, arrogant or in some cases a nut, crazy cuckoo.

Government and religion control these situations and some people already knew that. They instill fear to people causing us to be much more organized. Well, I kinda agree that people believing in different things can probably cause chaos. Since the beginning, tribes has set standards the clan has to follow. The only problem is some rulers chose the standards beneficial only for themselves and not for it's people.

The government already have their way and of course, religion is the "schemiest" one. What better way to control people is to instill fear, right.

Death, Life, and God.

We live with different definitions on how God would not be disappointed with us, in order not to die in his eternal tormented box called Hell and this is just one definition of a god. There are thousands of similar gods with their reward and punishment system.

What do really happens after we die?
Lot's of things happen after we die. We're just not there to see it. We can't accept the fact that the world would go on without us so we create this biased illusions and definitions to comfort us that when we die, we can still see it. What makes the humans living on earth so special in this large universe that we are the only ones to be capable of being a ghost, resurrected or have the opportunity to have a direct contact with a "creator"

Death is painful when we're the ones left alive. That's all I know so we better take the best out of life, together with the people important to us. 

Read More

Love and Labels

In retail/department stores, there are different classifications, sub-departments and between those departments, there are different variations of materials, style and colors. During the inventory, it helps the stock controllers adjust the discrepancies or the problems within the stock.

Now that was the retailer’s perspective, but usually, we have the consumer’s perspective.Everyone is a consumer, but not everyone can be literally a retailer.

In our everyday lives, departments and divisions help to filter the things we need to look for. Take for example the grocery store, imagine if every item is arranged alphabetically, it would be a total chaos. The reason they have specific sections for Dairies, Sweets, Toiletries, Frozen food keeps our lives easier by a minute.

By this time, you might think and say these are all common sense – usually, we unconsciously forget the simple things until it was reminded to us. Tricks look so simple after magicians revealed the technique – but left us either dumbfounded or amazed during the performance.

This short blog is about humanity’s dependence about labels and how it affects relationships or how we view relationships (either with a partner or with a group). Labels are society’s one way of accepting or rejecting an idea. Labels keep our lives easier but at some point, the labelled people are having a hard time.

Topics for labelled people or labelled groups are so wide that separate sub-topics are already covered for sure in a plethora of websites, blogs and articles.

Variations can be religion, culture, race, gender and other topics.

All are very sensitive issues and probably everyone has their own opinions based on conspiracies or maybe based on facts.

Labels does not only helps us to recognize, choose and reject the things we think are necessary, materialistically speaking, but like said before, socially as well. In a small community, sub-groups can be highly noticed depending on the label.

Let’s say the work environment is a small community. Race is definitely a form of “label”. Working outside the country in a multi-cultured environment can be challenging – most especially if it was the first time. You meet people with a different culture, with a different language and with a different religion maybe, outside your comfort zone. It is going to be a full adjustment on your side. The first thing you’ll look after are the people in the same race. Why? Finding people in the same race can filter the closest culture, language and religion. Same race = same other sub-labels in a community, mostly.

With labels, finding a group or a category we can be a part of makes it a hell lot easier. Though with every pros, comes cons.

The dominant people in these groups can take advantage of those who are lost and trying to find somewhere they belong. Songs like “Somewhere I belong” by Linkin Park and “Creep” by Radiohead – defines how us humans are struggling to find groups and how we fear for being ostracized (banished from societies). Just imagine how the third sex struggles for acceptance in a conservative, religious country. Same as the request for labels between being boyfriend, girlfriend into husband and wife and the best example maybe is the battle for position in terms of hierarchy of labels in a company (manager, directors, assistant, etc.)

According to the book of a psychologist named David Raney, “As a primate, you are keen to social cues that portend your possible ostracism from an in-group. In the wild, banishment equals death. So it follows that YOU WORK TO FEEL INCLUDED because the feeling of being left out, being the last to know, being the only one not invited to the party, is a deep and severe wound to your emotional core.” – Let’s face it, even the most introverted person needed a group somehow. Well a conference of introverts is hard to imagine, but I can see different people in hoodies holding a phone, wearing earphones sitting in dividers clapping alone in their personal space bubble. Kind of weird and funny but I can consider myself as an occasional introvert – Ambivert maybe if it is the official term for that?

Anyways, the reason why people fall in love faster in an environment which they left out or alone for the first time is very much often.

Now in that same environment you are not so much familiar, you tend to be afraid of losing someone that possibly treats you not well enough just for the fear of being left out and alone again.

The solution can be well of in the mind as well, either we tend to get used to the person/group and wait to have a better treatment from that particular person/group, or find a better person/group.     As of July 2015, there are 7.3 billion people in the world – though more options means more confusion, choices are necessary to know what we really desire and how to have it.

Labels might be infuriating and a mess but labels are necessary that will always separate us from others but for now, we can depend on it as a human nature’s way of organizing things. 

Jesus! Even this post needs labels.

Read More

Predestiny (shorts)

Little Johnny was raised in an orphanage run by priests and nuns. As a boy, he was always curious. There was a time when he's about four years of age. He was escorted by a priest, walking cheerfully towards the clinic.

Johnny said "vitamins?".

The priest smiled and nodded, "for what, my boy?".

Johnny scratched his eyebrows "to make me a strong boy!".

"Yes, little Johnny. Someday you are not going to be little anymore and you will need all the strength you can have while you're young. Physically and spiritually of course. Go in first, son"


Little Johnny went straight to the seat he climbed on to. As Johnny looked up to the young nurse, he smiled and showed something his well-known of in the orphanage, gapped front teeth. As usual, nurse Emily was amused.

The nurse took her flavored popsicle stick. "Say Ahh, little Johnny. Are you alright now?"

Little Johnny spoke while his mouth was being inspected, blurbing the words "Yes, I am. I just sneezed a little bit Ms Emily."


The nurse smiled and gave little Johnny the weekly booster and vitamins for extra protection against the flu. She really appreciates little Johnny's politeness and the Priest couldn't agree less. Johnny smiled and said to nurse Emily "Can I?" while holding already the stethoscope. He tried it on and start talking to the diaphragm.

While little Johnny was distracted, nurse Emily was amused. She looked back at the Priest and said, "Father, I'm sure he's going to be a good doctor!".

Father Enriquez smiled, while rubbing the boy's hair saying "God have good plans for this boy and for all of us, Emily.".

"I'm sure He does!" said gracefully by Emily.

....

Looking back at the past, listening to the conversation of Father Enriquez and nurse Emily. I asked myself, this plan is cruel.

Wondering to pull this trigger, as the burst of the bullet through this brain. This will be my last thought.

Like any other orphans, they said God has perfect plans, especially for us. Little Maddie, my best friend was sheltered by a family of pedophiles. She died when she was 10 - raped almost every day for more than a year. Her body could not take any more lacerations and abuse from this cruel predestination. Justice afterlife? The dad, the brother and the supporting mother were never found. The new case arrives, old cases are set aside. Long forgotten. Why can't little fucking Maddie have the justice before and after life? What lessons will be fucking remembered, and understood when the learner is dead. There's no fucking moral in the story when it comes to tragedy.

I guess from the moment they "bought" us and promise us the best life we could ever have, only a few "I know" lived up to the expectations.

Now I'm ending mine. I'm ending this path.This is my end part of His plans for me. Right before from the start, does He knew that my path leads to what believers called "Hell" or in other terms - eternal torment because you had the free fucking will, God, already decided a long time ago? Is heaven composed of selfish and pompous people happy that they are there and others they know are in hell? Or does Heaven is a place to justify conformity by literally removing the conscience of people. "Because hey, we're in heaven, we felt good, we did our part in saving your souls! Your suffering does not affect me even if we spend almost a lifetime together. I told you to follow 'His Plans' not your plans. Forget about the times I said 'you always have the choice' because come on! Religion is all about intimidation and some of the Pascal's Wager."

I'm pathetic, smiling with a gun shoved into my throat. Having a Fight Clubesque kind of a scene.

The main question was, why are we given these beliefs. To have a better sanity when things don't go our way- a simple explanation our mind can easily understand?

We are pawns. Set of choices was given to us, but like a fucking maze with one beginning and one ending. We are given some set of directions or maybe not. We get lost in the way, but no matter what we do - we need to find that one exit.

If I did a mistake?
"God has better plans for you, just wait and see."

So should I blame Him?
"Blaming would only make things worse, let's move on and hope for the better."

If the next mistake caused death, is it part of the plan?
"The enemy which is evil causes these things."

Wait. I thought we shouldn't blame. So He allowed it? Because someone might learn something from there, is that it?
Let me get this straight. When things go wrong = enemy/God, because God allows it for us to learn from it, and this "enemy" does bad things so he gets credit also. When things are running smoothly = God, because that was His plan all along that we can't figure out. Why? Because we can't fucking predict the future.

A moment of silence to my pretentious alter-ego.

This uniform belief leads to controlled chaos because everyone had their own definitions. Everyone has their own sets of normality and morality. If a child learned that fending off black people was fucking right, bombing and killing them is gonna be his view of the right thing. He can be proud that his God made this plan for me, and he complied. He can celebrate. It's a sick world out here. Different leaders trying to take devotees as much as they can to build a society that will support their "normality". I can't live like this.

I'll find you, Little Maddie. If everything is destined, God already chose who will be saved and who will rot. This is the path I chose.

I am tired of Earth, these people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives. Who makes the world? Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. Perhaps it simply is, has been, will always be there. A clock without a craftsman.They claim their labors are to build a heaven, yet their heaven is populated with horrors. Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. A clock without a craftsman. It's too late. Always has been, always will be...too late.  - Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen, 2009)

Read More

Quitting a bad habit

In our lifetime, we might be able to know or befriend with somebody who happens to be either a drinker, a smoker, a stoner or all of the above. If you don't know one, congratulations! You are the one.

Everyone justifies their habit on why it is better than other vices. An alcoholic would say, better to drink than smoke, a smoker would say better smoke cigarettes than weeds, and a stoner would say.. depending on the type. A try hard would say, "smoke.weed.forevs" or "420 blaze it". A casual would say, "nobody died from weeds man. It's all conspiracy. It's safer than tobacco. It's an alternative medicine!". The best answers are the high ones. They won't care and just offer you a joint or a hit.

We have the nature to defend our habits and characteristics. We feel threatened when someone questions the things we do. Most reactions are "Only God can judge me" bullshit. Yeah, that's what criminals say to after they done a crime. To make them feel better on what they did. (Side note: In federal prisons, the United States, only 0.07% are Atheists. Most are Christians. Either they are already religious when they commit a crime or converting is their escape goat from judgement) Some acknowledge the bad effects, but most would compare it to a worse vice and then find small things that prove theirs are safe. Most lines were "I know someone who did what I'm doing until her 70's, and look at her! Still alive and well" - Bitch, she's 40 that looked like 70 from smoking too much. Or like my sample earlier "Better this than that which is much worse!"

I don't drink often, I tried smoking only a few times and I wanted to be a chill stoner but don't have the accessibility for the stuff. I thought I'm saved from these vices. From these addictions. The problem is, what we do we thought normal was on addicting scale already. We just can't see and accept it because it became part of our daily regime.

In a book I'm reading, You are now less dumb, I first encountered the term "Sunk Cost Fallacy". According to their site - You are not so smart (link), I quote:

The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences.
The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it. "

In the chapter and in this article, one of the best example they had been Farmville. When it was famous back then, 84 million accounts/people had tried to play it. It was not because it was really fun, no. It was because of the time you need to spend and wait just for the virtual outcome which is the harvest, it's really hard to let go. Now, I noticed this also to the latest players of Clash of Clans. A social mini-game that devours your time. Because you need to watch over and protect your virtual civilization. The more you spend your time with it, the more you feel bad quitting. "I've spent so much, why would I stop now?". That's why you can't understand a friend of yours staying with his/her partner despite the toxicity level of their relationship. You ask them - "How could you stay this far this guy/girl?" That's the problem, they stayed that far. It's no longer the relationship their holding on to, but with their memories and the invested time, effort and money.

To cut the explanation short, sunk costs fallacy and addiction have a huge connection with investments and dependency. You have the urge to shop and shop. You hoard, yet you don't really wear it to often. You see a "SALE" sign, and suddenly you had the needs to buy a this and that. You felt that short rush of "happiness" having an item on discount. But do you really feel happy? Or you just need to feel happy because you know that you saved something. You felt that if you won't take this "limited" offer, you'd loss something big. When in fact, not buying on the first place will make you save more.

A lot of addictions starts young. Like shopping, we had distracted our productivity and prioritized addiction through games, television, pornography, gossips, gambling, selfies, social media and so on. Sounds harmless at first, but too little or too much of everything is obviously not good.

There are groups of each addiction and these simple bad habits in a community. The most overlooked  addiction is the social media. Yes it's powerful in some way, especially connecting distant relationships, relatives or friends. Finding people and exposing frauds. A very powerful material indeed. Of course, with great power comes great irresponsibility - as Deadpool might suggest. Social media especially Facebook can be a home of every addiction I mentioned in this post. Shopping? Yes. Media, countless hours of watching stupidity. Check. Pornography? Lot's of ass twerking, caught in the act or just pages posting softcore. Good. Games or Gambling? 2008-2009 was one of those first years. Selfies and other forms of Narcissism? You will drown! Drugs? Please.

A great tool will always be used in an opposite direction. That's how sick and resourceful a human mind is. That's why I decided to quit Facebook a week ago. I'm getting withdrawals like a normal addict going in rehabilitation centres. I swear I had dreams a few times that I was opening my notifications. I haven't deactivated it yet, because of the photos and the people I need to talk to that depends on fb messenger. I made a public announcement that they can contact me directly to my email. It's really hard to quit. Especially for someone who have a good amount of attention through comments and likes. I just got tired feeling great every time someone liked my post. It feels so wrong, as if my life and esteem depends on it.

The easiest way to conquer withdrawals is having an attention to something else. In my case, reading and watching additional knowledge I know I can use someday, playing with creativity, analysing ordinary things and most importantly planning something to write, or just writing anything. Withdrawals happen when you force stop something you are used to without having another outlet. Not having another outlet means you don't really want to stop, because these withdrawals will be your excuse to go back to a bad habit you used to. Being addicted to anything is really depressing, but I know when there's a will, there's a way. When there's no will, excuses are everywhere.

Now, only one guy friend emails me every now and then. We talked in simple topics and it felt like the old times, pen and paper; or just like the first decade of the internet when emails are mainly used. We forward chain messages or attach a post card and shit like that. It's really funny. Having conversations through email made it more special, made it more unique again.

People take for granted the convenience of everything. Cutting off convenience sparks creativity, social skills and resourcefulness. Giving at least a small amount of effort to those who wants to reach you makes it more important. I'm a bit disappointed that only one person emailed me, and he's a friend through the social media. The ones who I befriended in real life, didn't tried contacting me. Disappointingly satisfying. At least for once in a while, you'd really miss a friend and you get to know more someone else in a way.

Well, hope this journey will do well with me and also for the people trying to quit their 'seemingly normal' bad habit. There's a first for everything, and endings leads to new beginnings. Stay productive, use your time wisely and find real happiness!

Read More

My Inspiration as a Common Man

Looking back at my old posts, I can see myself with not much of progress at all. Maybe a bit facial hair was added but still the same. Probably throwing back every month doesn’t really make me miss my old self, but there are really good memories when we recall our past and younger lives. Wow, somehow it felt like I don’t deserve to think like that. After all I’m just 21, there are very little ‘looking back at the things I’ve done’ kind of recollection compared to veterans. Meh.

Well honestly, I’m looking back to my old blog posts recently. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like somebody forced a thought to be written that will be connected with the gifs he saw on photobucket for added animation on the literature. Well that’s what most of my 2009-2011 blogs was like. 2012 was hiatus for shitty reasons. Then 2013 came. I went to United States, so I tried to pretend that I can speak ‘American’ for a while. I got better in expressing myself through English language but I cannot really speak very fast unless I’m comfortable on who I’m speaking with. Ever since, I wrote down ideas; clump all of the ones I wanted to write, and voila! – A slightly developed me, talking to myself (with the intention of other people hearing/reading it) through blogging. Sometimes I force people to make me feel less useless, but sometimes I’d prefer someone that would criticize or proof read it (srsly, no h8 pls).

As I said on my past blogs, blogs was one of my outlets or like a diary in other terms. Being an only child has pros and cons – unfortunately, having a dull and lonely life makes me want to speak out more to express myself. I don’t mind people telling me or talking behind my back saying “this idiot thinks he knows everything” – Nope, that’s why I ask a lot of things. “He talks too much for a guy” – whoa. Sexist. Ever heard of standup comedy? And tons of side comments that doesn’t qualify as a constructive criticism. See mom, that’s a big word(s). “Constructive Criticism”. I feel smarter than yesterday already.

Currently, I seek to find new ways to improve my writing. I wanted to study multimedia arts for multiple reasons also. To learn more about writing and to study my other hobbies – directing and editing videos. I find my poor passion performance or being a mediocre at everything I try, very frustrating. Luckily, I have few people that I can share my thoughts; Different people, different views and different hobbies.

Thanks to some of the books and authors I follow, I realized that I’m not alone in the frustrations of finding passion. Being distracted and demotivated sometimes is good for us. Having multiple interests are also a benefit, especially when bored. I remember Austin Kleon mentioned, author of the best-selling book “Steal like an Artist”, that the best ideas comes up when we’re doing something that doesn’t need effort. When he needs an idea, he just wash dishes, do laundry or some other chores. It was also very productive. I never realized that before, but I did remember that tunes or beat comes up to my mind when I’m doing an effortless job. Most of the times, my realization and my usual 2am thoughts pops up while I’m on work. That’s why I’m always writing down my ideas at my phone, or in a sticky note.

Most of the topics I posted since 2014 was made up usually when I’m going to work using metro. It’s a 30 minute ride. One time, I had an hour long flight between the cities in the Philippines (Manila to Legazpi). Since I can’t sleep for that short period of waiting, I took my phone and tickled my boredom. I made an entire heroic universe. The story was inspired from the characters in a cartoon. It was about old and retired heroes. I’m still working on it though. I don’t have an ending yet.

We might not be the best yet on what we’re doing, but I guess we should never give up on finding that passion. I can’t really advice anything great right now, especially that I don’t have the title yet to promote ideas and motivations – but hey it’s a start. One day, I see myself as a motivator. I may have not the most depressing story, or the poorest background or even a high societal position that can be used as a credit for advising and motivating, I know I can and I will. Because my background is like most of us. It’s normal, it’s usual and it’s very common. I’m a common person, with a common life, with a common mind and a common history. You and I have a lot of common things to share about. Let’s both start upgrading our ‘commoners’ status little by little. Pursue passion, set a goal, work on it. 

One of Robin Sharma's book (The Leader Who Had no Title) on the title itself says that you don't need position nor title to become great on what you are doing, or give great service and advice. 

We might be mediocre, untalented, boring or very normal, but don't let that stop us. Let's continue poking are very own curiosity rover, have some time in a day that we'll just think about lots of things, talk to people that has a different interest than yours, read or just look through pictures. We can find lot's of things outside, but we'll find tons in our minds. We'll keep dream the results, plan the process, and wake up to start early as we can. Together we'll dream as a common person and soon will wake up better than ourselves from yesterday. 

Like Shia Labeouf said - “Some people dream success, while you’re gonna wake up and work hard on it.”

[CLAPPING INTENSIFIES]

Read More

The 2nd gen OFW in the Family.

I grew up at the 90's in an average urban area of the streets in Metro Manila. I grew up the time where television shows were composed of Mexican Series and Japanese children's shows. I grew up where the children are mostly making the toys they want to play with, rather than having a lavish advanced screen breaking social practice at a young age. That time, like most kids are, we're sleeping at mid-day and playing late in the afternoon. We're making kites, playing with marbles and having a children's fight club... Hell, I even had several nose bleeds, few bruises and scratches just because of fist fights. And the next day, we're all friends again.

I remember, I grew up as quite-shy boy - Well whaddya know? I know already how to fake myself when I was young. In reality, my parents know I'm a pain in the ass. I always get lost on the shopping mall. I always try to sneak out during 'siesta' times. They've even locked me in the house, so I won't leave. The tables are turned and now most of us would rather stay locked at our rooms, declare a random nap time and our parents are the ones asking you to leave or go somewhere. 

Too much nostalgia during the children of the 90's, but then again generation changes. Now is the time of Millennials. Still, it's better to play outside for social practices and healthy reasons. Too much screen time can damage the eyes of an developing grade-schoolers. Then again, who am I to say such things? I was always having late night action adventures with my game boy advance back then. 

I didn't even had one of these! ;(

Other than game boy, I had these tubs of legos (and other similar building/puzzle toys) in my toddler to preschool years before the choking hazard rule was made.

My dad always buy me these kinds of toys. Of course these tactics works for me. Why? To keep me busy while he's gone. My dad was working abroad, even before I sprouted and poofed in this world. Once a year, he's coming to our home country in order to spend a full month with us. I never knew him that much before. All I know is he is a very responsible man and a father, religious and straightforward as well. We really never had the same mentality, only physical features probably. Minus the mustache. He has this thick mustache I wish I could have. I think it's suits my comical personality.

Being a son to an Overseas Filipino Worker - commonly known as the OFW, it was been always confusing how people see OFW's having a high status in our society/community. They have this stereotypical treatment that if one of your parents are working abroad, you must have been always lucky, should be always happy, or should always be giving.

Every year, we are programmed to ask for "pasalubong" to every person we know working abroad. We had set this expectations that whenever someone leaves, he/she should at least give something when that someone comes back. It's not a bad thing. It's our unique culture of being caring. It's not really about someone demands us to give something when we come back, but it's us thinking "I should have at least bring something" kind of mentality.

We Filipinos are known to be hospitable so probably that's one reason. We are also known to be over-dependent. We tend to stay with our parents, even if we have kids already. The parents are also too considerate about this as well.

Being a teenager, I realize that my dad was  a very nice and giving person. Most of the time, the people he cared and he gave a part of his earnings, never really appreciated him enough. Probably never thanked him properly. As if it was something he was obliged to do. Also, it felt to me that these people have no clue how difficult it is to be separated in your family to be a slave of a foreign person. The moment I understand that people will only care on what you can do for them, that was the moment I told to myself, I never want to work abroad.

Working abroad to me felt like announcing you won the lottery. You haven't took the prize, yet people are already in line for their share. I never liked the way people will ask the things they want first, rather than asking your condition. Funny how at a young age, we experience these kinds of people. Remember whenever a teacher announces "Class, pop quiz. Get 1/4th sheet of paper." Because you're a nerd and a boy scout, you took that paper and had a lot of extras. Suddenly all of the people beside you want some. The problem is, it's a daily habit YOU yourself keeps on repeating.

FOR CHRIST SAKE BUY YOUR OWN PAPERS!

Why? Because if you don't give, your a selfish prick. Why would you bring extras, if you don't have the intention to give it away. The society is abusive, I realize... and we the hard workers let them.

All these are just thoughts before, then when I ate my words and started working abroad - I was right all along. But I'm glad my friends never let me felt like I'm required to bring them something, just us complete was enough. Anyway, being one of the 2nd generation OFW, I asked the people I've worked with. It was kind of depressing to know that with a young age, mid-20's, they had a lot of responsibilities. They agree of the fact on how people will expect you to give. I felt very selfish and useless, but I will still hold on my doctrines. I will still keep on believing that we deserve to help ourselves first before helping others.

The logic is simple. If we're stuck in a pipe, how would you pull people up, if you are blocking. You need to pull yourself up first, then take the one below you. It's like the opposite crab mentality effect. Pull yourself up first, then take others along with you.

Ugh.

At the end of the day, we have our own ways on how we're blinded by the love, sympathy and care to others who appreciate us well, and to those who only care about what you give to them. I just hope that most people learn first that life is not as easy as ordering fast food.

I don't really care actually on what would people think of me. It's not about me, it's really about the people like my dad, like the nurses, like the ones who spent long time working rather than just drinking and partying, etc. The people who sacrificed their own pleasures to provide someone else's dream. I just wish that people who worked really hard for being too generous will get the credit they deserve. They deserve more appreciation, care, and at least the motivation to let them carry on and prosper.

Read More

Comparing Insecurities

Way back in 2010 or 2011, I have 2 college buddies; one we call “The Boss” and the other we call “The 2^nd Boss”. They called me “The Member”. Seems fair. Anyways, The Boss was very influential to me. He was one of the smartest people I know, but he choose the thug life or thug life chose him, rather. I can’t forget his words of wisdom back that year. His idea about the law of attraction was compared to the young children playing with their own toys. Wait that was kind of wrong. Alright, let me clarify his idea to the 2^nd paragraph below (with quotation marks and italicized font to make it look legit).


"The idea of us men wanting the same person is like how young boys show off their toys. Let say you have a very old homemade toy, and I just had a new one. I show it off to you, but it seems like you enjoy more the toy that at first, was dull and boring for me. Then I will get envious about your toy, thinking yours is better. Thus, this attraction would feel like ‘love at 2^nd sight’  It's like I like yours more cause you look happier."

The Boss, Circa 2011

Of course, children of the 90’s (and before) would relate about how we show off our inanimate toys that either choke us or would feel like land mines to step on. 

The most accurate feeling of stepping on a lego

Anyways, what he said was very simple and if we’d compare it to the present time, it'll be like phone and smartphone evolution. Before, we're happy if we can play snake and space impact. Now, if there's no 130 filters in a selfie settings, we ain't buying. Some of us are contented to what we already have, but most of us? WE WANT SOMETHING WE DON’T HAVE. Which, really... Why?

Envy and jealousy are the main reason that we will always feel insecure at some point. I know what you think… “It’s the ladies who never felt their body and natural face were enough” This is not a gender thing, my dear Watson. 

About a week ago, a study in United Kingdom surveyed men and women about how the perfect man would look like. Of course men’s answers would look like your typical Hollywood actor. Action star faced with a stripper body. 

What surprised the readers was 72% of the women surveyed, preferred the happy-go-lucky looking person, average arms, no abs and an average looking face. It kind a look like Seth Rogen, honestly.

Just add glasses 

The study suggests that as many as 62 percent of men in the UK are still persuaded that ladies would rather go for a man with "the gladiator look," and that many men suffer "pangs of anxiety when they fail to match up this image."  - women's ideal man

So yes, men are having the same insecurities like women. For me, the simplest solution in having doubts about ourselves is just stop comparing. Seriously.

First of all, models and actors are paid to look like what they are.

If we are paying to look like them, we lose already. Unless of course, if you want to change because you really want to, not because you are persuaded by the media, be happy and go get em’.

Second, we will always find something we don’t have that others have.

Wow I got a nice pair of shoes, but whoa he got a nice watch. Why can’t we all have nice things in the world? This way of thinking should get terminated. It’s a waste of brain space.

Third, appreciate what you have.

Greed is an addiction. It’s difficult to restrain in the latter years. Start early. Instead of finding things that makes you happy, learn to maximize what you already have. It doesn’t mean to suppress yourself from everything else, but to bring the most out of something before moving on to another.

Fourth, don’t let other people compare you from others also.

F**k them. Dammit. Stupid autocorrect. I meant fork them.

In the end, it’s your life. Either you drive, or someone else will. 

*link source of the survey: http://aplus.com/a/women-in-the-uk-describe-the-looks-of-a-perfect-man-and-it-s-not-what-most-men-would-think-?utm_campaign=i102&utm_source=a11303

Read More

Not perfect but meant to be.

                Ever heard of the old recurring story that goes like this:  “The spaces in your finger are meant to be filled with mine.” – Well actually… If there’s no spaces, there’s no fingers. Maybe. Or we’d all look like the Powerpuff Girls minus the 3 layered pupils:

                Kidding aside, I always wondered why there are spaces on pizza box. I love pizza and probably all of us do – And seeing that precious space wasted, makes me buy more of a square shaped pizza. No space wasted. Then I realized, if the weight of the square-shaped pizza is the same as the weight of a circle-shaped one, would that make any difference? Or am I one of those people living in an illusion that what we see should always be perfect.

                Marketing agents, advertisers, brokers, sales consultants and many other forms of selling experts have been fooling us on promising things we thought we need, but we really don’t. Making us think “this” is better than “that”. Making us believe on the quality we have lived before is going to be better if we take their offers. Some might be telling the truth, but mostly… I’m not sure of it.

                Nothing is perfect, I’m sure of that. So when something is not perfect, it’s perfectly meant to be that way. What a paradox. So confusing! If you have a score of 100 out 100, that doesn’t mean you know 100% of that subject you had a test. You had to answer all of the possible question on the subject matter. So what’s the point of perfection anyway? I’ll get back to that later.

                March 2013, I went to an educational training trip at United States that lasted 3-4 months. Looking back that time, what seems to be a short ride became one of the most important drives in my life. I met this girl. I didn’t even noticed her on our long way there. We were both committed that time, so maybe that’s one reason. Then few weeks later, I got a timeout on my relationship that time. Permanently. So I decided, to continue living. Our fridge is always full, the beer is most of the time free, we live near the beach and there’s an open Jacuzzi just in front of the hotel we’re staying. Moving on was never hard for me. I’ve been there a lot of times.

                Our group was mostly women with a ratio of 1 is to 5. We were 6 guys out of 30ish girls. We’re out numbered and that’s only on our cultural group. We we’re working with Latinas, Americans, and in the later month, with Russians. It’s a cultural exchange program so we are really having the most diverse experience on our simple lives that time.

                I was a baby sitter to 5 girls. We’ll not really, but I was like their big brother. Sort of. Since roommates have to be the same sex - 4 became partners, and 1 was left out. The left out one was the roommate of “the girl I met”, as I mentioned before.

                Actually, I’m constantly being involved or issued a few times in different ladies - So most of them already had a bad impression about me. I admit, I was very flirty, then. The girl I met had this impression about me. Probably she disliked me the moment she saw me. She told me I was arrogant, aggressive, bossy, flirty, and narcissist in some way. I never knew that before, but she admitted it later in our lives. It was so hilarious, it’s probably true.

                In some way, I liked her. She’s cute, but I find the need of understanding her obscureness. She’s quiet and mysterious. She doesn’t share personal details (unlike me who uses the “talk now, regret later” approach). Although of course she’s not really the boring type. It’s just that she makes sure she’s comfortable enough in order for her to trust you. All I know is that she’s very loyal and very kind. She’s willing to sacrifice her passion just to make her partner happy or content... Which I think she made a wrong choice that time. She’s a hard drinker. She was everything I’m not and everything I never thought I’d like.

                I’m a guy who loves debates, stories, movie reviews, staying at home, reading articles, listening to rock down to heavy metal up punks and post-rocks. While at that time I thought she’s into bars and drinks, adventures, selfies, Miley Cyrus, and stays away as much as possible into having a long conversation with anyone. I think I’m too deep (narcissist). The more I think about how we managed to get along, the more I understand. It’s not me who adjusted. It’s her who let her doors opened for me.

                When they broke up, she could just ignored me. I was not her type. I know that and of course she had a bad impression on me, and I had a bad introduction of myself as well. She ignored all the facts that I’m probably “just another guy”. I had been in a lot of relationships. She just had one serious. The fact that she’s 2 years ahead of me, makes me feel worst. Yet she made a bridge.

                Most of misunderstandings starts when you are talking, and the other one is already thinking on what would be his/her response. And not even understanding first. That’s where arguments bloom. We had misunderstandings but it never goes a long way. She was always the listener and I’m always the speaker. Like how she made that bridge, she understood more than I could to myself.

                To make it this story less long, we’ve been together after we went back home to our country. We just tried it out. We started on United States. She ignored the warnings of my other friends that knew me well - that I might just have hurt her and I did. The way she understands my bipolarity, the way she handles my misfits, my arrogance and my mistakes that other girls might consider it as a “no 2^nd chance” case.

                Although our relationship is still raw in the love cooking process, it’s boiling anyways. Understanding, communication, humility, kindness, trust, support and love – all these are the sources enough for fuelling the fire. I had let her down a few times, but she still believes in me. That I make mistakes. We’re not perfect.

                Perfection is a process. It’s more of a journey than a destination. The process of aiming an impossible goal is a never ending process for improvements. That’s what relationship is all about. It’s about not being the best, but being better than yesterday. That’s why I never agree on courtship because my girl used to say “Please don’t do things to me that I’ll get used to, if you’re not going to keep it constant.” – She reminds me what “perfection” should be like while I remind her of the movies she keeps on forgetting.

Blue's Clues lovely couple in real life. 

We’re not a perfect couple, but I know we’re meant to be. We’re working on it. Happy Valentines!

Read More