A day of rest is not even enough. You tried motivating others but you can't even motivate yourself – you hypocrite. You said you survived depression, yet you just had to compromise with contentment in order to keep your sanity. Then you go home early to catch up on your social life… You don't have a social life; your laptop is your social life.
You tried your best to cover up all the mistakes that you’ve made, all the hardships you went through, and all the abuse people in your daily life inflict on each other, by taking stupid photos and uploading it online. Stupid photos of things that you think make you happy. Memories that once made you smile, or even a picture of a hobby, or the things you did that make you feel good inside. The more people react positively on what you post, the more they feed your ego. Distracting and derailing your pathetic life into an adventurous wonderland: another thing that prevents you from going insane.
You made a mistake and suddenly you remembered all the mistakes you’ve made that you thought you didn’t make. But wait, someone will remind you of them as they are. You try to save what's left. Compromise your own happiness because what makes you happy is making other people happy – like you used to tell yourself when you were young. Then you grow up and you realize it's just another subjective optimization.
Deep inside you are a selfish and egoistic person. Acting smart was your cover up; cherry-picking words is your talent.
You go home after a tiring day with a tired mind. You compare yourself with miserable people in the world and you say "hey, it could be worse." Then again, you subjectively optimize after feeling worse because going home was just a reminder of how many problems you have running through your mind. Your body needs rest, but working was the only way for your problems to have a day off – so you think.
We can't have everything in the world can we? But should we?
Fuck this world, you couldn't care less. But unfortunately you're one of the 97% of the world's population that doesn't have enough money to care less. You hope for the drama and the bullshit in your life to stay away but they are there to stay. Some of the drama helped you become who you are but most of them were truly unnecessary. You blame it on social media, on advertisements and those stupid pop movies that promised you hope. Still you use, you watch, and you listen to the comforting lies.
Nobody can help you. You don't want help. You love so many characters from the literature you read, movies you watched, or the music you listened to. They’ve messed up your thoughts, and so you blame them.
It's you. It's your fault. Nobody will give you a cold fuck anyways. You post this article without even proofreading your own thoughts. You even think it's a work of art or eloquence and that it gives people epiphanies you know some would relate. But nobody will care. For everyone is just extremely curious. Anyways, what do you care? Your mediocrity at everything is what matters most to you – at the end of the day, I'm just your demon reminding you of that, and I will never leave you.
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| (c) Paulbrai Photography |
*reviewed and edited by my pal: Rave
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