Overlooked Disorder

Constantly looking at my watch, waiting for the exact time before moving and taking action. Reminding myself the recent things I said to someone. Reviewing my words, my actions and other people's reactions towards me. What did I do wrong?

When I was a young boy. Lego was my favorite toy. Building in symmetrical sizes and colors satisfies me. I buy small chocolates for the spare changes my mom gives to me. Chocolates with roughly the size of a quarter, I divide them into fours, plate them nicely and well arrange, and devour them from time to time. Balance and order satisfy me as a young boy in the age of probably 6 or so. I live in the illusion that I might be a builder, engineer or architect. But I wasn't. It was just the early signs of this overlooked disorder of having orders.

At the age of 9 or 10, I was introduced with a game called Command & Conquer: Red Alert. I was never addicted to any game but this one was a personal favorite. The game is simple. You build a base, find a source of money to provide the necessary finance for the army you need to build in order beat down enemies that will do the same. It was a strategy game, the faster you beat an opponent, the better. I was never fast. I take my time. I build the perfect infrastructures in the best locations. I was anxious on how my base would look like, how my defense system was perfectly aligned. That is how I played the game - I made sure that my base was impenetrable.

At this age onwards, I find the need of placing myself on a group. Something that defines me - a talent that could describe me. Singing was off the list. Dancing was shit too - though I tried to but really I can not (I even tried from hip-hop to ballroom). I was never a sports enthusiast, I tried badminton, I tried basketball, tried the marathon, Nothing worked or probably my passion was not enough. I tried playing guitars. Finally, something I can be good at, but never good enough. I played bass guitar also - I don't even remember the basics now. I need something else so I tried to take a seat in a band. I played drums. I was pretty OK in it. I'm obsessed on beating on perfect time. Playing imaginary drumsets keeps me calm and relaxed - so I finally labeled myself as a drummer (a mediocre one).

"Writing" was just new to me. I tried writing songs before but I never finish it. I tried submitting a story when I was young - it was a fantasy as I recall. Involves trees and shit. I tried drawing. I tried comic style but it was very unsatisfying. I can't replicate the images in my mind through my drawings so as usual, I threw it down the drain.

I tried editing. Photoshop and Video Editing. Photoshoots and Video Directing. I can say I love video editing and directing. I like creating stories, short sketches, and plays. I just love adding personal humor and extending my thoughts through this art for everyone to see. Unfortunately, only a few people appreciate it. Maybe it wasn't good enough to captivate other people, huh. Or I'm just really really bad at marketing. 

I tried lots of hobbies, simultaneously. My parents, my close friends even my partner thinks I wanted to try everything. I wanna be a jack-of-all-trades. I wanted to be something everyone can understand, everyone can notice. I thought the same. I thought that I wanted to be able to relate to everyone or just in the process finding myself.

Ever since I can remember, I have a lot of thoughts before going to bed. Some nightmarish stuff that changes as I mature. Usually, it was a boogeyman under my bed or waking up with a fluffy white horrifying ghost lady breathing straight in my face or even insects crawling from my feet up to my orifices. Now, it was what if's. It's never ending. Recalling past situations and the alternate timelines if I changed my statement or decision.

I checked up the clues. Searched the web with the people having the same situation I'm facing. I have it. Before, I'm just kidding that I considered my over-organized mood was a part of my OCD. 

Like other people and myself, we misunderstood and overlooked the situation. It was not just being organized. The constantly arranging things, constantly washing or cleaning my hands, the anxieties before bed and the never-ending what if's every day, the thoughts of locked doors, the mise-en-place cooking rituals and now, I'm smoking. Everything is connected to assurance. I always needed assurance.

People will never understand the person without knowing the definition of their disorder. Until that, we will always be misunderstood as try-hards with bad and unusual habits.

While we find a cure, we find self-help treatment and seek therapy - People already gave up on us and tried to find fault within us. The pain is not the disorder itself. The pain is knowing somehow, we find hope in isolation. We travel alone inside a bubble that most people we thought would understand was standing outside, judging us.

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Love and Labels

In retail/department stores, there are different classifications, sub-departments and between those departments, there are different variations of materials, style and colors. During the inventory, it helps the stock controllers adjust the discrepancies or the problems within the stock.

Now that was the retailer’s perspective, but usually, we have the consumer’s perspective.Everyone is a consumer, but not everyone can be literally a retailer.

In our everyday lives, departments and divisions help to filter the things we need to look for. Take for example the grocery store, imagine if every item is arranged alphabetically, it would be a total chaos. The reason they have specific sections for Dairies, Sweets, Toiletries, Frozen food keeps our lives easier by a minute.

By this time, you might think and say these are all common sense – usually, we unconsciously forget the simple things until it was reminded to us. Tricks look so simple after magicians revealed the technique – but left us either dumbfounded or amazed during the performance.

This short blog is about humanity’s dependence about labels and how it affects relationships or how we view relationships (either with a partner or with a group). Labels are society’s one way of accepting or rejecting an idea. Labels keep our lives easier but at some point, the labelled people are having a hard time.

Topics for labelled people or labelled groups are so wide that separate sub-topics are already covered for sure in a plethora of websites, blogs and articles.

Variations can be religion, culture, race, gender and other topics.

All are very sensitive issues and probably everyone has their own opinions based on conspiracies or maybe based on facts.

Labels does not only helps us to recognize, choose and reject the things we think are necessary, materialistically speaking, but like said before, socially as well. In a small community, sub-groups can be highly noticed depending on the label.

Let’s say the work environment is a small community. Race is definitely a form of “label”. Working outside the country in a multi-cultured environment can be challenging – most especially if it was the first time. You meet people with a different culture, with a different language and with a different religion maybe, outside your comfort zone. It is going to be a full adjustment on your side. The first thing you’ll look after are the people in the same race. Why? Finding people in the same race can filter the closest culture, language and religion. Same race = same other sub-labels in a community, mostly.

With labels, finding a group or a category we can be a part of makes it a hell lot easier. Though with every pros, comes cons.

The dominant people in these groups can take advantage of those who are lost and trying to find somewhere they belong. Songs like “Somewhere I belong” by Linkin Park and “Creep” by Radiohead – defines how us humans are struggling to find groups and how we fear for being ostracized (banished from societies). Just imagine how the third sex struggles for acceptance in a conservative, religious country. Same as the request for labels between being boyfriend, girlfriend into husband and wife and the best example maybe is the battle for position in terms of hierarchy of labels in a company (manager, directors, assistant, etc.)

According to the book of a psychologist named David Raney, “As a primate, you are keen to social cues that portend your possible ostracism from an in-group. In the wild, banishment equals death. So it follows that YOU WORK TO FEEL INCLUDED because the feeling of being left out, being the last to know, being the only one not invited to the party, is a deep and severe wound to your emotional core.” – Let’s face it, even the most introverted person needed a group somehow. Well a conference of introverts is hard to imagine, but I can see different people in hoodies holding a phone, wearing earphones sitting in dividers clapping alone in their personal space bubble. Kind of weird and funny but I can consider myself as an occasional introvert – Ambivert maybe if it is the official term for that?

Anyways, the reason why people fall in love faster in an environment which they left out or alone for the first time is very much often.

Now in that same environment you are not so much familiar, you tend to be afraid of losing someone that possibly treats you not well enough just for the fear of being left out and alone again.

The solution can be well of in the mind as well, either we tend to get used to the person/group and wait to have a better treatment from that particular person/group, or find a better person/group.     As of July 2015, there are 7.3 billion people in the world – though more options means more confusion, choices are necessary to know what we really desire and how to have it.

Labels might be infuriating and a mess but labels are necessary that will always separate us from others but for now, we can depend on it as a human nature’s way of organizing things. 

Jesus! Even this post needs labels.

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