Overlooked Disorder

Constantly looking at my watch, waiting for the exact time before moving and taking action. Reminding myself the recent things I said to someone. Reviewing my words, my actions and other people's reactions towards me. What did I do wrong?

When I was a young boy. Lego was my favorite toy. Building in symmetrical sizes and colors satisfies me. I buy small chocolates for the spare changes my mom gives to me. Chocolates with roughly the size of a quarter, I divide them into fours, plate them nicely and well arrange, and devour them from time to time. Balance and order satisfy me as a young boy in the age of probably 6 or so. I live in the illusion that I might be a builder, engineer or architect. But I wasn't. It was just the early signs of this overlooked disorder of having orders.

At the age of 9 or 10, I was introduced with a game called Command & Conquer: Red Alert. I was never addicted to any game but this one was a personal favorite. The game is simple. You build a base, find a source of money to provide the necessary finance for the army you need to build in order beat down enemies that will do the same. It was a strategy game, the faster you beat an opponent, the better. I was never fast. I take my time. I build the perfect infrastructures in the best locations. I was anxious on how my base would look like, how my defense system was perfectly aligned. That is how I played the game - I made sure that my base was impenetrable.

At this age onwards, I find the need of placing myself on a group. Something that defines me - a talent that could describe me. Singing was off the list. Dancing was shit too - though I tried to but really I can not (I even tried from hip-hop to ballroom). I was never a sports enthusiast, I tried badminton, I tried basketball, tried the marathon, Nothing worked or probably my passion was not enough. I tried playing guitars. Finally, something I can be good at, but never good enough. I played bass guitar also - I don't even remember the basics now. I need something else so I tried to take a seat in a band. I played drums. I was pretty OK in it. I'm obsessed on beating on perfect time. Playing imaginary drumsets keeps me calm and relaxed - so I finally labeled myself as a drummer (a mediocre one).

"Writing" was just new to me. I tried writing songs before but I never finish it. I tried submitting a story when I was young - it was a fantasy as I recall. Involves trees and shit. I tried drawing. I tried comic style but it was very unsatisfying. I can't replicate the images in my mind through my drawings so as usual, I threw it down the drain.

I tried editing. Photoshop and Video Editing. Photoshoots and Video Directing. I can say I love video editing and directing. I like creating stories, short sketches, and plays. I just love adding personal humor and extending my thoughts through this art for everyone to see. Unfortunately, only a few people appreciate it. Maybe it wasn't good enough to captivate other people, huh. Or I'm just really really bad at marketing. 

I tried lots of hobbies, simultaneously. My parents, my close friends even my partner thinks I wanted to try everything. I wanna be a jack-of-all-trades. I wanted to be something everyone can understand, everyone can notice. I thought the same. I thought that I wanted to be able to relate to everyone or just in the process finding myself.

Ever since I can remember, I have a lot of thoughts before going to bed. Some nightmarish stuff that changes as I mature. Usually, it was a boogeyman under my bed or waking up with a fluffy white horrifying ghost lady breathing straight in my face or even insects crawling from my feet up to my orifices. Now, it was what if's. It's never ending. Recalling past situations and the alternate timelines if I changed my statement or decision.

I checked up the clues. Searched the web with the people having the same situation I'm facing. I have it. Before, I'm just kidding that I considered my over-organized mood was a part of my OCD. 

Like other people and myself, we misunderstood and overlooked the situation. It was not just being organized. The constantly arranging things, constantly washing or cleaning my hands, the anxieties before bed and the never-ending what if's every day, the thoughts of locked doors, the mise-en-place cooking rituals and now, I'm smoking. Everything is connected to assurance. I always needed assurance.

People will never understand the person without knowing the definition of their disorder. Until that, we will always be misunderstood as try-hards with bad and unusual habits.

While we find a cure, we find self-help treatment and seek therapy - People already gave up on us and tried to find fault within us. The pain is not the disorder itself. The pain is knowing somehow, we find hope in isolation. We travel alone inside a bubble that most people we thought would understand was standing outside, judging us.

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My Inspiration as a Common Man

Looking back at my old posts, I can see myself with not much of progress at all. Maybe a bit facial hair was added but still the same. Probably throwing back every month doesn’t really make me miss my old self, but there are really good memories when we recall our past and younger lives. Wow, somehow it felt like I don’t deserve to think like that. After all I’m just 21, there are very little ‘looking back at the things I’ve done’ kind of recollection compared to veterans. Meh.

Well honestly, I’m looking back to my old blog posts recently. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like somebody forced a thought to be written that will be connected with the gifs he saw on photobucket for added animation on the literature. Well that’s what most of my 2009-2011 blogs was like. 2012 was hiatus for shitty reasons. Then 2013 came. I went to United States, so I tried to pretend that I can speak ‘American’ for a while. I got better in expressing myself through English language but I cannot really speak very fast unless I’m comfortable on who I’m speaking with. Ever since, I wrote down ideas; clump all of the ones I wanted to write, and voila! – A slightly developed me, talking to myself (with the intention of other people hearing/reading it) through blogging. Sometimes I force people to make me feel less useless, but sometimes I’d prefer someone that would criticize or proof read it (srsly, no h8 pls).

As I said on my past blogs, blogs was one of my outlets or like a diary in other terms. Being an only child has pros and cons – unfortunately, having a dull and lonely life makes me want to speak out more to express myself. I don’t mind people telling me or talking behind my back saying “this idiot thinks he knows everything” – Nope, that’s why I ask a lot of things. “He talks too much for a guy” – whoa. Sexist. Ever heard of standup comedy? And tons of side comments that doesn’t qualify as a constructive criticism. See mom, that’s a big word(s). “Constructive Criticism”. I feel smarter than yesterday already.

Currently, I seek to find new ways to improve my writing. I wanted to study multimedia arts for multiple reasons also. To learn more about writing and to study my other hobbies – directing and editing videos. I find my poor passion performance or being a mediocre at everything I try, very frustrating. Luckily, I have few people that I can share my thoughts; Different people, different views and different hobbies.

Thanks to some of the books and authors I follow, I realized that I’m not alone in the frustrations of finding passion. Being distracted and demotivated sometimes is good for us. Having multiple interests are also a benefit, especially when bored. I remember Austin Kleon mentioned, author of the best-selling book “Steal like an Artist”, that the best ideas comes up when we’re doing something that doesn’t need effort. When he needs an idea, he just wash dishes, do laundry or some other chores. It was also very productive. I never realized that before, but I did remember that tunes or beat comes up to my mind when I’m doing an effortless job. Most of the times, my realization and my usual 2am thoughts pops up while I’m on work. That’s why I’m always writing down my ideas at my phone, or in a sticky note.

Most of the topics I posted since 2014 was made up usually when I’m going to work using metro. It’s a 30 minute ride. One time, I had an hour long flight between the cities in the Philippines (Manila to Legazpi). Since I can’t sleep for that short period of waiting, I took my phone and tickled my boredom. I made an entire heroic universe. The story was inspired from the characters in a cartoon. It was about old and retired heroes. I’m still working on it though. I don’t have an ending yet.

We might not be the best yet on what we’re doing, but I guess we should never give up on finding that passion. I can’t really advice anything great right now, especially that I don’t have the title yet to promote ideas and motivations – but hey it’s a start. One day, I see myself as a motivator. I may have not the most depressing story, or the poorest background or even a high societal position that can be used as a credit for advising and motivating, I know I can and I will. Because my background is like most of us. It’s normal, it’s usual and it’s very common. I’m a common person, with a common life, with a common mind and a common history. You and I have a lot of common things to share about. Let’s both start upgrading our ‘commoners’ status little by little. Pursue passion, set a goal, work on it. 

One of Robin Sharma's book (The Leader Who Had no Title) on the title itself says that you don't need position nor title to become great on what you are doing, or give great service and advice. 

We might be mediocre, untalented, boring or very normal, but don't let that stop us. Let's continue poking are very own curiosity rover, have some time in a day that we'll just think about lots of things, talk to people that has a different interest than yours, read or just look through pictures. We can find lot's of things outside, but we'll find tons in our minds. We'll keep dream the results, plan the process, and wake up to start early as we can. Together we'll dream as a common person and soon will wake up better than ourselves from yesterday. 

Like Shia Labeouf said - “Some people dream success, while you’re gonna wake up and work hard on it.”

[CLAPPING INTENSIFIES]

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