The 2nd gen OFW in the Family.

I grew up at the 90's in an average urban area of the streets in Metro Manila. I grew up the time where television shows were composed of Mexican Series and Japanese children's shows. I grew up where the children are mostly making the toys they want to play with, rather than having a lavish advanced screen breaking social practice at a young age. That time, like most kids are, we're sleeping at mid-day and playing late in the afternoon. We're making kites, playing with marbles and having a children's fight club... Hell, I even had several nose bleeds, few bruises and scratches just because of fist fights. And the next day, we're all friends again.

I remember, I grew up as quite-shy boy - Well whaddya know? I know already how to fake myself when I was young. In reality, my parents know I'm a pain in the ass. I always get lost on the shopping mall. I always try to sneak out during 'siesta' times. They've even locked me in the house, so I won't leave. The tables are turned and now most of us would rather stay locked at our rooms, declare a random nap time and our parents are the ones asking you to leave or go somewhere. 

Too much nostalgia during the children of the 90's, but then again generation changes. Now is the time of Millennials. Still, it's better to play outside for social practices and healthy reasons. Too much screen time can damage the eyes of an developing grade-schoolers. Then again, who am I to say such things? I was always having late night action adventures with my game boy advance back then. 

I didn't even had one of these! ;(

Other than game boy, I had these tubs of legos (and other similar building/puzzle toys) in my toddler to preschool years before the choking hazard rule was made.

My dad always buy me these kinds of toys. Of course these tactics works for me. Why? To keep me busy while he's gone. My dad was working abroad, even before I sprouted and poofed in this world. Once a year, he's coming to our home country in order to spend a full month with us. I never knew him that much before. All I know is he is a very responsible man and a father, religious and straightforward as well. We really never had the same mentality, only physical features probably. Minus the mustache. He has this thick mustache I wish I could have. I think it's suits my comical personality.

Being a son to an Overseas Filipino Worker - commonly known as the OFW, it was been always confusing how people see OFW's having a high status in our society/community. They have this stereotypical treatment that if one of your parents are working abroad, you must have been always lucky, should be always happy, or should always be giving.

Every year, we are programmed to ask for "pasalubong" to every person we know working abroad. We had set this expectations that whenever someone leaves, he/she should at least give something when that someone comes back. It's not a bad thing. It's our unique culture of being caring. It's not really about someone demands us to give something when we come back, but it's us thinking "I should have at least bring something" kind of mentality.

We Filipinos are known to be hospitable so probably that's one reason. We are also known to be over-dependent. We tend to stay with our parents, even if we have kids already. The parents are also too considerate about this as well.

Being a teenager, I realize that my dad was  a very nice and giving person. Most of the time, the people he cared and he gave a part of his earnings, never really appreciated him enough. Probably never thanked him properly. As if it was something he was obliged to do. Also, it felt to me that these people have no clue how difficult it is to be separated in your family to be a slave of a foreign person. The moment I understand that people will only care on what you can do for them, that was the moment I told to myself, I never want to work abroad.

Working abroad to me felt like announcing you won the lottery. You haven't took the prize, yet people are already in line for their share. I never liked the way people will ask the things they want first, rather than asking your condition. Funny how at a young age, we experience these kinds of people. Remember whenever a teacher announces "Class, pop quiz. Get 1/4th sheet of paper." Because you're a nerd and a boy scout, you took that paper and had a lot of extras. Suddenly all of the people beside you want some. The problem is, it's a daily habit YOU yourself keeps on repeating.

FOR CHRIST SAKE BUY YOUR OWN PAPERS!

Why? Because if you don't give, your a selfish prick. Why would you bring extras, if you don't have the intention to give it away. The society is abusive, I realize... and we the hard workers let them.

All these are just thoughts before, then when I ate my words and started working abroad - I was right all along. But I'm glad my friends never let me felt like I'm required to bring them something, just us complete was enough. Anyway, being one of the 2nd generation OFW, I asked the people I've worked with. It was kind of depressing to know that with a young age, mid-20's, they had a lot of responsibilities. They agree of the fact on how people will expect you to give. I felt very selfish and useless, but I will still hold on my doctrines. I will still keep on believing that we deserve to help ourselves first before helping others.

The logic is simple. If we're stuck in a pipe, how would you pull people up, if you are blocking. You need to pull yourself up first, then take the one below you. It's like the opposite crab mentality effect. Pull yourself up first, then take others along with you.

Ugh.

At the end of the day, we have our own ways on how we're blinded by the love, sympathy and care to others who appreciate us well, and to those who only care about what you give to them. I just hope that most people learn first that life is not as easy as ordering fast food.

I don't really care actually on what would people think of me. It's not about me, it's really about the people like my dad, like the nurses, like the ones who spent long time working rather than just drinking and partying, etc. The people who sacrificed their own pleasures to provide someone else's dream. I just wish that people who worked really hard for being too generous will get the credit they deserve. They deserve more appreciation, care, and at least the motivation to let them carry on and prosper.

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Praises and Blames

Blaming is a source of comfort

“Time is fraud. Time took my brother. I don’t believe in time” – words of our tailor. The tailor in our store is a bit mentally challenged, and the funny thing is that he is fully aware of that. He keeps on asking all of us these repetitive and annoying questions or requests; He asks also in a very bad timing, most of time. He is a bit childish and like I’ve said before, he already knew that. He asked me a dozen times, “How can I act like a big person? Like a real adult?” – Take note: these are the words of a 40 year old man with 5 children from 2 wives. I think I’m the only one who had the patience to answer most of his questions, since we’re most of the time inside the stockroom, together. I keep my answers honest and detailed, but I don’t think he listens to the details.  He’s more of a talker than a listener. He likes attention too much; that’s why whenever he makes this depressed look, I don’t show I’m affected. Some would ask him “hey, what’s wrong?” – He will just answer “Some tension, some problem.” but he will never tell you the real reason.

That’s why I just talk to him like normal. Besides, these people asking are just curious. It’s like the “Hi, how are you?” routine. Everybody asks how are you and you should answer your good. Because if you answered you’re not good, well you just engaged an awkward conversation that should finish within 2 minutes: explaining the details of why you’re not good and in exchange, they will try to comfort you… But they can’t. Everyone’s too busy, everyone has their own problems. What makes my problem special, right? I’m not going to generalize and some are really willing to listen, mostly because they want you to listen to their own also. That’s how conversation works.

Back to “Time”. Although a child mind and behavior, I can correlate to what our tailor feels. I mean not that I don’t believe in time necessarily, but time will be always there, whatever our beliefs are. I, too, admit blaming time when I’m late, or not having enough time to enjoy a day off, or time slowing down during our working hours – it’s annoying. Still I tried to explain my opinion about blaming time, but no matter how many times I tell to our tailor that everybody dies, and no one is exempted from death – it seems like it’s just too harsh to accept and I’m too hypocrite to accept it too. How can you make someone believe Santa exists, if you don’t believe it too right? It’s like being forced to defend a criminal that had all the evidence to prove him guilty; or like selling our item, which in all honesty, not my type. That’s why I find it hard when it comes to selling our product, but I find it easy selling expensive food when I was back at the food and beverage business… Because I love food. Who doesn’t right?

Why do we have to find someone or something to blame on something natural; on something finite. Why can’t we accept the fact that things happen not because for a reason, but because of our decisions. For example: You got mugged on an alleyway, somehow you had a decision to go through a dark alleyway or walk around the street. How about this one time you decided to take a cab, instead of taking the train, because you are sick of the boners all over you on a rush hour. Then, you got caught in traffic. Would you blame the traffic, the government, the driver, your pet hamster, the fluoride in the water or your boss that gave you an overtime work which is not paid? I admit the last one pretty much sucks, but still we had a decision. Our lives are a series of decisions, but it seems that we keep on overlooking that fact. I’m tired of hearing “I had no choice.” – Honestly, it makes me cringe. But hearing “I’m sorry, it was a bad decision” was somehow a bit comforting, if someone did something unpleasant to you.

What I realized is that people are comforted by two things: Praises and Blaming. When it comes to positive things, we love taking the credit. Make it the other way around, we tend to be find escape goats. Not that people do it directly but somehow they like to release the problem on an outlet while inhaling all the positive vibes like praises. I mean why would Mark Zuckerberg, inventor of Facebook, invented the “Like” button. It’s because people wants positive attention. It boosts the ego. Why do I post a picture of myself doing something cool with the coolest hobby? It’s because it does makes us feel a bit special. It comforts us to know that somewhere beyond these webs and the fiber optics of these advanced data sharing within a blink of a second, through their own cyberspace apparatus, someone cares. Care that you exist, and you do things interesting and you are beyond the ordinary (liking your facebook posts, in simple terms). Where in fact all of us are different, all of us our special in our own way but it kinda… defeats the purpose. I remember one quote of Syndrome, the antagonist of the movie “The Incredibles”, once said – “I can sell my inventions and everyone can have powers. And when everyone’s super… No one is”.

Then, there’s this story about garbage trucks. I remember it like this:

                “One morning a boy was with his dad in the car, driving around. His dad was driving very carefully and one car behind them keeps on pressing the horn and shouting bad words. Expecting to see his dad confront the man behind them, he just smiled. He asked his dad, “Why didn’t you talk back, you shouldn’t let anyone talk to you like that.” His dad smiled again while his son looking confused. He told his son – Son, you see that dump truck over there? This is what these kinds of people are going through every day. They are like these garbage truck. People get the garbage from stress on work, on finances, on family or from other people’s dump truck also. And when they’re full, they need to let it all out and dump it. It’s fine if they dump it on me, what matters most is that I don’t have the needs on collecting their garbage. That’s why I just keep on smiling.”

I don’t know if I constructed it the same way I read it but I hope it’s comprehensive enough. The point is when people find comfort from praises like the ‘likes’ on facebook, the views on their youtube channel, the re-tweets of their twitter or the followers they have on Instagram is the same way people find comfort when they say to you “you idiot, you made a mistake!”. It’s not entirely about blaming but also the comfort of feeling in-charge or dominant. What did you felt, when you’re elected on the school council on a position you don’t even have an idea to begin with; then you won that election. Some will say, “meh, I don’t like the responsibility.. yada yada blabla” but in your subconscious, you’re a bit amused on how you won something that you can take over, having somewhat a higher degree of power more than the commoners. That’s why politics is something to die for but I don’t want to get on that now.

It’s really funny how a person’s mind work. Like our tailor, we might be aware on what we do, but we don’t want to do something about it. – Well as long as we find comfort on what we’re doing, will keep on doing it. Attention, appraisal and authority. It’s like steps for promotion. Step 1: Get close to an authority and get the attention; Step 2: Show how great you are and grab that appraisal; Step 3: Blame someone’s mistake and scrutinize the stupidity. Act like an authority. And there you have it, you mastered the douchebag boss hack. Funny that being felt like an outcast feels bad, but for some it was never enough to be “just a part” of society. 

I TOLD YOU I'M SPECIAL

9^th of January, 2015.

4:28 am

*I forgot to post this one when I was having an overnight shift few weeks ago.

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The team's water boy

Outcast. Assistant. Benched. Newbie. Water boy. Whatever people call you, you'll never feel like you are a part of the team.

At least once in a while, we feel things like this. It's annoying and it's bothering the hell out of me. I never liked to be a part of a big social group. I tried a few times and it didn't work. I'm only comfortable on my high school buddies and few of my college friends. I used to be a socially active person but ever since I got out of school, things went differently.

I hate it when people forces me to communicate with a large social group such as church groups. I hate faking my smiles and my laughs. Or faking my interests. It feels like people also feels the same way about me. They don't really care. They are just curious.

Why are we obliged to say we're good on the question "how are you?". People won't bother anyways to listen on your reply when they ask you.

It's been 3 months already since I left my comfort zone. And still, I can't move on. I can't feel better. I still feel alone. Like that water gallon on the dispenser that sooner or later will get replaced. I still feel like being the bust boy or the runner. The newbie. The team's water boy.

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Soul Searching

Ever had the feeling that you joined an environment full of happy souls. Cheerfully singing to their unity. Held together as one as they proclaim their positive beliefs. You watch them, you try your best to get inspired as they all are. You try to be like one. You try to be like them. You try to enjoy. You try to socialize. You try it all because of the pressure and this pressure is also the one that keeps you separated from them. And you realize... "I've been to a place like this before, but it did not worked out well.." You probably just doesn't belong. But how can you conquer loneliness if you can't belong?

Sometimes, loneliness is not really what its like when your alone by yourself. Sometimes, this so-called "loneliness" is also like when you try to fit in a "square-shaped" community, even though you are a "round-shaped" person.

That precious space should also be covered with Pizza

We always try to seek what's missing in our lives. We try to walk on other's shoes in order to relate to them. But really, do we need to bother? Sure we need improvements. We need change for the betterment. We need enhancement and we need the counsel of those who already conquered. But we don't need to copy their every move. For each destination, takes a different road. We don't need to take the same path of others. We should make our own. Who cares if others go in that direction when we have other plans for ourselves, right?

Sometimes, walking alone in a road traveled less or even confining our self to that very own world we tried to make when we were younger for at least a few moments would help us feel that even the warm breeze in the morning or the last drop of rain you felt before entering your home seems to be a better company than anyone else. It starts when we focus on searching things within us waiting to be found instead of trying to research what's already discovered. In the end, it's always up to us.

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