Children's Choices

Melancholy. I was still learning English when I heard this word. Read, rather. I'm 23. Writing in this blog few times a year - maybe even less. Should I even make a longer introduction?

To be honest I wanted to be a hit. I wanted to be popular, to be recognized, to be adored. Not for who I am personally, but for my works. For thoughts and my principles. For my hobbies, skills and potential. Who doesn't want their work to be recognized? Maybe that's where I'm lost.

One-hit-wonder. 

Fame-whoring. 

Pretentious philosophy. 

Above average.

All these delusions, I hid myself. It's my blog okay, but why does it sound so uninteresting? Well, the grammar, the quick-change-of-subject phases and the trying-hard dad jokes. I add up a little GIF and photos from my camera to make it legitimate and eye pleasing. *vomits*. Well in the beginning I wanted this to be my diary, my personal journal. Something I could observe when I grow old how my intellect changes, and how my words never develop that much. I like to read and I like to read to myself.

Anyways I've been expecting a lot to myself, I taught myself a lot of things that I thought I can be very good at. Like what I wrote on "Common Man" (I don't really know the title, too lazy to check), It's been hard to find passion - and at my age, it's very frustrating to see your fellow colleagues, fellow friend and classmates seeing develop on the things that you've witnessed when they were just starting.

At the age of 5 or so, my dad bought a small organ, the music thing not the one you find in the black market. So my mom tried to teach me, but me being basically me at a young age, I suck. I'm on a different path of Asians.
Following years, my dad brought different kinds of building blocks. 

Plastic - Lego bricks;

Wood - the one you basically connects the pre-cut joints; and

Metal - the one you screw around and stuff. (even comes with remote control so you can make it move)

By this time, I was pressured to answer questions of "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Dude, I hate that question. So I said "Engineer" so you can build stuff. I tell you there are only four choices anyway. Doctor, engineer, teacher or policeman.
By the end of my elementary, I was exposed to rock and metal (I used to be mainstream hiphop, don't ask, I like to rap), with some Millennial rebel action movies. So I wanted to fight and become a soldier. Then tried to work out with my pre-pubescent body. Well it didn't worked out well so I said, "screw it, back to engineering"

Well math is hard so screw engineering too. Plus I'm not creative. I tried to pass an oil painting with a theme of sanity, sanitation? - and I worked on it so hard and then I lost. The worst part is the winner who came from our class, cheated. He asked her older sister who happens to be a beautiful artist make his entry. Cheeky bastard. 

By this point I realized something. I believe in a lot of things and soon-after these beliefs slapped me in the forehead with the words "Things doesn't go exactly the way you liked, sweetie." 

Not because you worked hard on something, it's worthy. Not because you sweat blood, it will be appreciated. If it's shit to someone, it's shit. 

So I try to find a different pursuit. Music - where it all began. Acoustic guitar - I studied from a book and I'm okay I guess. Then bass - another false pretense. I suck and can't even read a chord. Then I move on to drums. It became my life. Why? I think I was just born to bang something on something else - like my toe on the corner of the furniture. My agonizing screams of pain during that hard labor of kicking the foot at the side table over my broken pinky toe nails is almost equally the same as hitting that China thrash cymbals.

Then I quit.

Over.

and over.

and over.

and over.

Again.

May 21st, 2017.
May 21st. 2018.
Exactly a year ago I tried to write all of this.

In just over a month,
I'll get married.

The world just stopped as it stared back at me. Knowing myself - will this work out?
As the blinking bar waits for a mere second on what letter I'll type next, I can't help to become frustrated.
I'm about to enter in another chapter that could not be erased. My mind and heart should be prepared about the new levels of anxieties it will face. I could not, no, I should not let these immature uncertainties control my life - but it's also who I am.

I'm still lost.
I'm sorry.

(c)neilbogart

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My Inspiration as a Common Man

Looking back at my old posts, I can see myself with not much of progress at all. Maybe a bit facial hair was added but still the same. Probably throwing back every month doesn’t really make me miss my old self, but there are really good memories when we recall our past and younger lives. Wow, somehow it felt like I don’t deserve to think like that. After all I’m just 21, there are very little ‘looking back at the things I’ve done’ kind of recollection compared to veterans. Meh.

Well honestly, I’m looking back to my old blog posts recently. It doesn’t make sense. It’s like somebody forced a thought to be written that will be connected with the gifs he saw on photobucket for added animation on the literature. Well that’s what most of my 2009-2011 blogs was like. 2012 was hiatus for shitty reasons. Then 2013 came. I went to United States, so I tried to pretend that I can speak ‘American’ for a while. I got better in expressing myself through English language but I cannot really speak very fast unless I’m comfortable on who I’m speaking with. Ever since, I wrote down ideas; clump all of the ones I wanted to write, and voila! – A slightly developed me, talking to myself (with the intention of other people hearing/reading it) through blogging. Sometimes I force people to make me feel less useless, but sometimes I’d prefer someone that would criticize or proof read it (srsly, no h8 pls).

As I said on my past blogs, blogs was one of my outlets or like a diary in other terms. Being an only child has pros and cons – unfortunately, having a dull and lonely life makes me want to speak out more to express myself. I don’t mind people telling me or talking behind my back saying “this idiot thinks he knows everything” – Nope, that’s why I ask a lot of things. “He talks too much for a guy” – whoa. Sexist. Ever heard of standup comedy? And tons of side comments that doesn’t qualify as a constructive criticism. See mom, that’s a big word(s). “Constructive Criticism”. I feel smarter than yesterday already.

Currently, I seek to find new ways to improve my writing. I wanted to study multimedia arts for multiple reasons also. To learn more about writing and to study my other hobbies – directing and editing videos. I find my poor passion performance or being a mediocre at everything I try, very frustrating. Luckily, I have few people that I can share my thoughts; Different people, different views and different hobbies.

Thanks to some of the books and authors I follow, I realized that I’m not alone in the frustrations of finding passion. Being distracted and demotivated sometimes is good for us. Having multiple interests are also a benefit, especially when bored. I remember Austin Kleon mentioned, author of the best-selling book “Steal like an Artist”, that the best ideas comes up when we’re doing something that doesn’t need effort. When he needs an idea, he just wash dishes, do laundry or some other chores. It was also very productive. I never realized that before, but I did remember that tunes or beat comes up to my mind when I’m doing an effortless job. Most of the times, my realization and my usual 2am thoughts pops up while I’m on work. That’s why I’m always writing down my ideas at my phone, or in a sticky note.

Most of the topics I posted since 2014 was made up usually when I’m going to work using metro. It’s a 30 minute ride. One time, I had an hour long flight between the cities in the Philippines (Manila to Legazpi). Since I can’t sleep for that short period of waiting, I took my phone and tickled my boredom. I made an entire heroic universe. The story was inspired from the characters in a cartoon. It was about old and retired heroes. I’m still working on it though. I don’t have an ending yet.

We might not be the best yet on what we’re doing, but I guess we should never give up on finding that passion. I can’t really advice anything great right now, especially that I don’t have the title yet to promote ideas and motivations – but hey it’s a start. One day, I see myself as a motivator. I may have not the most depressing story, or the poorest background or even a high societal position that can be used as a credit for advising and motivating, I know I can and I will. Because my background is like most of us. It’s normal, it’s usual and it’s very common. I’m a common person, with a common life, with a common mind and a common history. You and I have a lot of common things to share about. Let’s both start upgrading our ‘commoners’ status little by little. Pursue passion, set a goal, work on it. 

One of Robin Sharma's book (The Leader Who Had no Title) on the title itself says that you don't need position nor title to become great on what you are doing, or give great service and advice. 

We might be mediocre, untalented, boring or very normal, but don't let that stop us. Let's continue poking are very own curiosity rover, have some time in a day that we'll just think about lots of things, talk to people that has a different interest than yours, read or just look through pictures. We can find lot's of things outside, but we'll find tons in our minds. We'll keep dream the results, plan the process, and wake up to start early as we can. Together we'll dream as a common person and soon will wake up better than ourselves from yesterday. 

Like Shia Labeouf said - “Some people dream success, while you’re gonna wake up and work hard on it.”

[CLAPPING INTENSIFIES]

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Trials and Karma, The hidden relationship

Ever heard of the story about looking through a glass filled halfway with water? Then the spectator will be asked about his/her perception about the given visuals of this glass, whether it’s a photo or an actual glass of water. The outcome expected was originally just two answers: Half-full or half-empty. Then professors, speakers or motivators will explain about how your perception about this experiment affects your everyday view about everything. If you see it as half-full, you’re a positive thinker and if you see it half-empty, you’re a negative Nancy. I have no idea how this story went viral. Quotes encrypted on the image of the glass of water was posted everywhere. The problem was you never had the chance to think about your perception on this short project. Before you even think about how you will react on the half-full/half-empty glass of water appeared on your newsfeed, you’ve already read that the only choice was this two things which is: Half-full/optimist and Half-empty/pessimist.

Plot Twist!

                Better than the original. Why are we limited to black and white when there’s another color lying around somewhere? Alright I know you’re thinking, “What’s your point?” – This is not really about the glass; or about pessimists/optimists thing; or about dragons… It’s how simple things affect people’s mind. How people would accept options given to them, as if it’s the only option they can choose from. Remember that math exam that had a multiple choice? Yeah, I hate that too. Especially that letter “d. none of the above”. – And if your teacher hated you enough, it will have a follow up instruction of “if none of the choices have the answer, write the answer in the blank” Yup! Good times, good times. But in reality, that style of answering questions in our daily lives is the proper ones. We should not be limited on the choices given to us by trying to take what the large consensus had been doing, or the norms. It’s like reinforcing the “think outside the box” because cultures are these boxes, and we’re living inside of it – Not questioning the flaws of it, but just given to see it negatively or positively. Like “you’re either with us or against us” cliché.

                Since we’re starting to visualize the past, let’s go further on our nostalgia express. Remember the high school days when there was that one girl you hated because of her slutty style flaunting the guys. Then you’d say in the back of your head “wow, what a bitch” when in reality you should all just be studying, but you watched too much teen movies so you lived your high school years like it. Better yet, that bully or the guy who insistently copies your home works and test papers with no consent whatsoever. You hate that guy. Then few years later, you heard that he didn’t pass college or stop doing school. You say to yourself – “KARMA’s sizzling up this dude’s fate plate” with your eyes glaring in a distant and a half grin on your face. That was really awful of you, but you think he probably deserved it right? And that’s the overused definition of Karma – “what comes around, goes around… bitch.”

                Then let’s make the same story, but on the different perspective. Let say your best friend did well throughout his existence. He have helped people, and made them feel better about themselves. He was the motivator of the class, and the peacemaker of your group. He is, in general, the good guy in this story. Suddenly, you lost connection with him after high school. Few years later you heard a story that he didn’t made it through college. You, now on a different perspective and in subjective opinion, thought – “I think whatever happened to him was just a TRIAL in his life, or a TEST. I’m sure he’ll be better and he can conquer it, I hope.” See the difference on how people see things differently, subjectively. But we don’t question it, do we? Did us even thought about the connection or the similarity on how we see “Karmas” and “Trials”, maybe some few individuals had already figured that out.

                We’ve seen and heard what people are already been saying to us. Motivating/comforting us on the same things over on over again. So we think bad things happen to bad people is called “Karma” and bad things happen to good people are called “Tests” or “Trials”. We never tend to question why? My thoughts are this, we never accept complicated and valid data. We only accept what is simple to understand, or what we want to hear. People hate choices, subconsciously. Free choice and big decisions drains the brain energy, that’s why passive people feel at ease than the dominant or aggressive ones. We hate it when people tell us what to do, but in reality we’ve been doing things society tells us to believe.

It’s easier to be instructed than to be the instructor. Just think about this – In school, what’s the difference between listening to your professor and doing a report in front of the class. Which is easier for you? 

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