Everyday Demon

Waking up to the sound of the digital alarm clock: the most useful application of smartphones nowadays. The body recognizes the sound as you fall off the bed still half-conscious. You've been getting up to it for hundreds of days, and you'll probably get up to it for a thousand more. You sit up in bed and stare at the pillow for 5 minutes, until another alarm kicks in. You're 60% awake. You go and have a shower and get dressed. Have breakfast – maybe later. You don't even have time to think for a plan, you just get cracking with what you used to do: wake up and go to work.

A day of rest is not even enough. You tried motivating others but you can't even motivate yourself – you hypocrite. You said you survived depression, yet you just had to compromise with contentment in order to keep your sanity. Then you go home early to catch up on your social life… You don't have a social life; your laptop is your social life.

You tried your best to cover up all the mistakes that you’ve made, all the hardships you went through, and all the abuse people in your daily life inflict on each other, by taking stupid photos and uploading it online. Stupid photos of things that you think make you happy. Memories that once made you smile, or even a picture of a hobby, or the things you did that make you feel good inside. The more people react positively on what you post, the more they feed your ego. Distracting and derailing your pathetic life into an adventurous wonderland: another thing that prevents you from going insane.

You made a mistake and suddenly you remembered all the mistakes you’ve made that you thought you didn’t make. But wait, someone will remind you of them as they are. You try to save what's left. Compromise your own happiness because what makes you happy is making other people happy – like you used to tell yourself when you were young. Then you grow up and you realize it's just another subjective optimization.

Deep inside you are a selfish and egoistic person. Acting smart was your cover up; cherry-picking words is your talent.

You go home after a tiring day with a tired mind. You compare yourself with miserable people in the world and you say "hey, it could be worse." Then again, you subjectively optimize after feeling worse because going home was just a reminder of how many problems you have running through your mind. Your body needs rest, but working was the only way for your problems to have a day off – so you think.

We can't have everything in the world can we? But should we?
Fuck this world, you couldn't care less. But unfortunately you're one of the 97% of the world's population that doesn't have enough money to care less. You hope for the drama and the bullshit in your life to stay away but they are there to stay. Some of the drama helped you become who you are but most of them were truly unnecessary. You blame it on social media, on advertisements and those stupid pop movies that promised you hope. Still you use, you watch, and you listen to the comforting lies.

Nobody can help you. You don't want help. You love so many characters from the literature you read, movies you watched, or the music you listened to. They’ve messed up your thoughts, and so you blame them.

It's you. It's your fault. Nobody will give you a cold fuck anyways. You post this article without even proofreading your own thoughts. You even think it's a work of art or eloquence and that it gives people epiphanies you know some would relate. But nobody will care. For everyone is just extremely curious. Anyways, what do you care? Your mediocrity at everything is what matters most to you – at the end of the day, I'm just your demon reminding you of that, and I will never leave you.

(c) Paulbrai Photography

*reviewed and edited by my pal: Rave

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The team's water boy

Outcast. Assistant. Benched. Newbie. Water boy. Whatever people call you, you'll never feel like you are a part of the team.

At least once in a while, we feel things like this. It's annoying and it's bothering the hell out of me. I never liked to be a part of a big social group. I tried a few times and it didn't work. I'm only comfortable on my high school buddies and few of my college friends. I used to be a socially active person but ever since I got out of school, things went differently.

I hate it when people forces me to communicate with a large social group such as church groups. I hate faking my smiles and my laughs. Or faking my interests. It feels like people also feels the same way about me. They don't really care. They are just curious.

Why are we obliged to say we're good on the question "how are you?". People won't bother anyways to listen on your reply when they ask you.

It's been 3 months already since I left my comfort zone. And still, I can't move on. I can't feel better. I still feel alone. Like that water gallon on the dispenser that sooner or later will get replaced. I still feel like being the bust boy or the runner. The newbie. The team's water boy.

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A month of heaven, A year of hell.

If we were talking about 500 days of Summer. You will always be my Summer.. 

My flaming hate for you will never be extinguished. Your well said goodbyes and manipulative lies still linger deep onto my bones. It keeps me wondering why would such a person like you exist? You are the heaven to guys fond of one night stands, but hell to us guys who are gullible enough for you to take advantage on us. You never cared. You just cared for yourself and satisfaction. Attention feeds your soul whether it's good or bad publicity. You are a hypocrite. I'm not against teenage moms, nor to smokers, nor drinkers. But it's funny how you hate them before and look at you now.

I hope you've changed. Because if not, I'm scared about the future of your child. You used to be smart. So smart you destroyed everyone that believed in you. You're so smart that you let down a lot of your team mates because you think you can handle everything all by yourself.

You never distinguished the difference between reality and fantasy in your life. You always wanted the drama and attention from your hobbies, to your body, and up to your families and relationships. Remembered our last fight? I wanna punch you so bad because you keep on shouting to me about something stupid in front of a lot of people in the metro station. And few years later, I found out that you told everyone that I slapped you and hurt you in the public.

You always wanted everyone to be on your side, but the truth is.. Even with your full effort, they just can't believe your lies. No not everyone. Especially to those who knew me well. And everybody knows you're a bitch. When we broke up, most of the class congratulated me. Isn't it funny? They laugh at you, smoke with you and get drunk with you. But in the end, nobody wanna stay with you.

To me you're a contract to the devil. Joy for the moment then torment and suffering for eternity. You kissed my friend in front of me, and you kissed me when he left. I can't believe I still fell for you. You know why? Because even if I knew you fucked every guy friend that takes you to their private place (including my BEST FRIEND), I still have the hope to change you. Still, you fucking wasted all of my effort.

In the end, you never ceases to amaze me. I don't know how many dicks you sucked since you were 11. And all of my guy friends were a potential fuck buddy to you. You're eager to suck everyone's dick actually. I can never compare you to a hooker or to a porn star because I think they have better morals than you.

How could you sleep at night for all the hearts you broke and all the lies you told? You never bothered to apologize, but don't worry I don't need it. You are truly the work of the devil.

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Soul Searching

Ever had the feeling that you joined an environment full of happy souls. Cheerfully singing to their unity. Held together as one as they proclaim their positive beliefs. You watch them, you try your best to get inspired as they all are. You try to be like one. You try to be like them. You try to enjoy. You try to socialize. You try it all because of the pressure and this pressure is also the one that keeps you separated from them. And you realize... "I've been to a place like this before, but it did not worked out well.." You probably just doesn't belong. But how can you conquer loneliness if you can't belong?

Sometimes, loneliness is not really what its like when your alone by yourself. Sometimes, this so-called "loneliness" is also like when you try to fit in a "square-shaped" community, even though you are a "round-shaped" person.

That precious space should also be covered with Pizza

We always try to seek what's missing in our lives. We try to walk on other's shoes in order to relate to them. But really, do we need to bother? Sure we need improvements. We need change for the betterment. We need enhancement and we need the counsel of those who already conquered. But we don't need to copy their every move. For each destination, takes a different road. We don't need to take the same path of others. We should make our own. Who cares if others go in that direction when we have other plans for ourselves, right?

Sometimes, walking alone in a road traveled less or even confining our self to that very own world we tried to make when we were younger for at least a few moments would help us feel that even the warm breeze in the morning or the last drop of rain you felt before entering your home seems to be a better company than anyone else. It starts when we focus on searching things within us waiting to be found instead of trying to research what's already discovered. In the end, it's always up to us.

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Unity at the edge of Chaos

On this day, some time in the afternoon. 1:00 pm, I presume. I was an hour ago awake. Everything's going well. I haven't taken any bath, nor lunch yet. When I decided to take my lunch, I heard screams, and smelt burnt ashes. A big gush of smoke rushing to the atmosphere. No time for "selfies." Just pack up and go. Every important documents, files and money are properly gathered (well for my mom's part, she's always ready.) Adrenaline rushing through every persons veins. There's us that tried to all the necessary things, there's some that gathered as many as they could. Then, there's always someone that tries to be a hero by helping as many people as he can - whether it's by gathering things, finding local firefighters, or being the firefighter himself. After we've settled some things at my cousin's house, we came back to our place to gather some more and place it just outside. To see what's going on and to check if someone will take advantage of the people's vulnerable houses. Visitors see our place as full of delinquents, vile and probably one of the chaotic places in the city. To us, it's a home. A home full of people having ordinary lives, striving nothing but to live. I can truly say that chaos brings unity. It's just sad that you need a trigger to have this kind of teamwork and unity. 

Black smoke turned into white as the flames are getting extinguished

I just realized I have a soviet union, fully functional gas mask. Why didn't I used that? Anyways, I'd like to thank our fast responding firefighters. They truly made everything better. Thank God, we haven't went out of town. My aunt alone could have never handle this kind of situation.

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Even the sky falls.

Ever wonder why an apple triggered Sir Isaac Newton. Well I do and I think it's the legality of the drugs that time.

"I dunno what I'm doing. lol" - Sir Isaac Newton

Ok, maybe Sir Newton wasn't high, but the apple is. But I thought if he saw a rain fall, he will already figure it out. I mean, he is the kind of guy that probably questions a lot of things in this world. Someone that will clearly object an unjustifiable law or could be the "exception" on some rules. You know. Like a resistant. Smart people resists against oppression or could be the part of oppression itself. Just an observation though.

So what is this all about? Even the sky falls. That apple fell to his head and that was one of the biggest change in history. Gravity. Even as small as a speck of dust, as light as leaves, as massive as thunderstorms. Everything falls. So why does people afraid of falling and letting go?

Help! Help! Heeeee.. Oh.

This is a scene of Aunt May in Spiderman 2. Apparently, falling from a building was definitely scary and tragically deadly. So let's cross that out on the list and let us talk metaphorically from this on forward. The problem really is that people is afraid of the unknown (here we go again). Why are we afraid of the dark? Because we can't see anything, or worse because we are seeing what we want to see which never existed in the first place. 

MOOOM! I see dead people. In the dark.
Shh go back to bed! Stop watching walking dead too much

Fear replaces what we actually see into what we don't want to see. So then again, why are we afraid in falling? We're gonna fall in love eventually anyways. Whether it's the wrong one or the right one. Just know our limitations. We can fall as light as a feather or as fragile as glass. It's up to our decisions. I choose to be the rain. Accumulated by the water from Earth, formed in the sky then fall back to Earth. Because it's natural for everything to fall. Give yourself a chance. You can be a cloud waiting for the right place to fall, don't hold back. Let it fall and if it that doesn't work out, you can climb in the sky again and fall. Who knows, you might stay there if things go smoothly or if you choose to stay.

The apple fell to Newton and it became as one of the best discoveries, It's your chance to discover or be discovered.

(This was inspired by this blog by the way: clickhere
It's really awesome and also I've been watching The Da Vinci Code movie and Isaac Newton made me think about gravity and all that stuff. I'm open for criticism, I know my grammar was horrible.)

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Te amo, cibum.

Wow, so Latin. Much amaze. Wow.

This "doge"  always pops out of my thought balloon every time I think about what am I gonna write next. Get out of here doge!

Anyways, what is this Te amo, cibum. I just searched about the latin word for "food" and it was "cibum". Now, you'll probably know where this is going. Why latin? Usually, root words for terminologies or scientific words comes from latin. words with suffixes "phile" is the best example. "Philia" or "phile" is connected to either things that people had a certain arousal or things that people love or having an obsession with.
Example:

Pluviophile- is a love for rain. A person that loves raining.
Retrophilia- love for things of the past
Necrophilia- sexually attracted to zombies. Ok zombies might not be the term, still doesn't make it less disgusting.

> Here's a list of all the philia's:
   http://www.packerwire.net/read.php?4,110356

Back to the topic, I searched for Cibum+Philia means love for food. Google suggested me to this

 

And I had this "Ooooh. Ok." *clicks suggestion* kind of face. Then I realize it was phobia not philia. To make this long story short, I was weirded out by the fact that there are people afraid on food? While most of the time I'm like:

That's not really how Cibophobia works. I just need to let this thought out. Anyways read more about cibophobia HERE.

**update**
I just also found out that sometimes, our phobias are not actually what it seems. For example if people have a fear of a certain food or food itself, either he:
1. Hates the taste;
2. Traumatic experience with the food;
3. Traumatic experience that had the presence of the food while the traumatic phenomena is occurring. or;
4. Traumatic experience so traumatic that it had to be replaced by a representation which happens to be an object or by this topic, a food.

Let say when I was 5, I was left in a grocery store in the vegetable section by my single mom. My mom never returned and I never knew what happened to her. Some guys kidnapped me and promised me that they will take care of me. It turned out that they will turn me into a circus freak and whip me like an animal during training. Now I'm will stay away to vegetables and sooner or later, I'd have a flashback of terrible experiences with vegetables and will make me become afraid of them due to the subconscious thought of my traumatic experience that so terrible, I need to redirect the part of my trauma into a less terrible phobia which is obviously, vegetables.

For better explanation, watch the last chapters of the movie "A fantastic fear of everything". It's actually a bad movie. I only watched it because of Simon Pegg.

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It's not about the destination, it's the journey.

It's February already, Valentines day is running smoothly ahead. I didn't notice how fast time was consuming me on working at the SkyDeck. Bayleaf hotel's bar and restaurant. Working there as a trainee since November really taught me a lot of things. I might write something about that in an another post.

A view of Metro manila from Skydeck of The Bayleaf Hotel captured by my phone

What is this post all about anyways? This came up with the thought:

"If you're staying where you are, nothing will come in your way. If you're moving on or heading forward, good things and bad things will greet you along the way. Still, it's better than nothing."

I came up with it when I was heading home after work. Probably because of the movement of the vehicle I'm riding or probably because dawn is affecting people's mind, thus making me think deeper while playing Metallica on my iPod.

People are always afraid of the unknown. That's why we had that popular saying that curiosity killed the cat.

Not everything is yours, America! I mean meow.

Why are people afraid of something they don't know or haven't tried yet? Because it makes them think. Thinking of the 50 percent success and 50 percent failure. Failing doesn't kill us unless we are engaged in a "Saw" movie which obviously depending on our success in order to save our asses, else we have to face a seemingly lawfully yet disgusting way to end our unjust lives (based on the movie). Back to the point, not most of us are willing to take the risk in trying but why shouldn't we. We can't stay forever sitting in a chair because you think it's an awesome chair because you've been sitting in that chair for like eleventeen years.

Everything you've been doing has been done for the first time. It's up to you to take the leap now or wait for more (n) hours, days, months or years. Don't let the term "character doesn't change overnight" serves as an excuse. You know that is kinda bullsh.. All I say is, you are always the one hinders you, yourself. You can't move on, you can't accept maturity and you can't live and stay forward because you don't let it start and make it happen.

All of what's happened in the past fails or wins, part of the learning process, who we are today is the outcome. Who we are tomorrow will be the effect of what we are and what we've done today.

All these were simple common things people already thought from the beginning they accepted maturity.

Maturity isn't fun if you don't let it. Make it simple. We are the passengers of our vehicles driven by our decisions. Just like most of us riding a Jeepney. Enjoying the morning breeze. I know where I'll be heading. Just like you supposed to be. Just pick the right vehicle. Even if you are lost, at least, you found out a new route where you can find another vehicle that will lead you to your destination. It's always more about the journey. And sometimes, it's not about where you're going. It's who you're with.

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What Brought Us Here? (A Charitable Fund Raising Event)

September 22, 2013. It’s raining hard. Outside is a roar of thunder and inside were the children’s laughter. 4:30pm in the same afternoon, you could only hear the group that entertained variety of children and packing up every mess that brought joy to these special youth of one of Hospicio De San Jose’s building. Wondering, what brought us here?

It started more than a month ago, around mid-July of 2013. The class of Mr. Tullao, Events Management, decided to use their events development and study to few chosen charitable place. One have been chosen, and that was Hospicio De San Jose, a nurturer of hope and care for      babies, children, adults and elderly persons who have no other home. Hospicio is located beside Pasig River and Ayala Bridge. The class decided to raise funds; our Professor of the class was clearly not impressed though. The class would not be developed if we will just raise funds by asking people’s money or give our own money. Solicit, raise and get money in the most creative way possible was the final verdict. We were divided first by groups in the event itself, and another group for raising funds. We had 3 products produced per week since the first day of September. Sleepless nights were ahead of us. As the time goes by, students, one-by-one suggested and introduced their own way of soliciting and producing funds for the class. Mostly were donations and some were participation to other events. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, sort to speak. We went through hardship, even though the event hasn’t started yet. Well if a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well so we really tried our best.

The list of our sponsors

Finally, last days of preparation and production are abolished. Saturday, September 21, 2013. A night before the event, we all had that butterflies in the stomach. The goodie bags were bagged, the drinks were bought, the food – to be delivered, and the sound system and alike were all prepared. Rushed, were the music and script for the entertainment and reviews of program flow kept us from a relentless sleep.

September 22, 2013, 3am. Most of us were still awake and we need to wake up at 7-8am. Most of us probably had a good slumber but few of us that prepared and stayed overnight didn’t have much. Around the clock until 10 in the morning, we were preparing. Everything that needs to be brought had been brought, everything that needs to be bought, had been bought. Waiting for the transportation, we had our hopes up for the unstoppable nature of a rainy weekend to cease even for a while.

The same Sunday morning, 11am, the rain is still falling. We felt hopeful and hopeless, then hopeful and hopeless again.                 

We arrived at the event, at last. Soaking wet by this gloomy Sunday, we started packing things up to set the preparation for the awaited event, piece by piece and part by part.

Toiletries, supplies, food and drinks

Hoping to find handful of hope in a hopeful place, I was told that if the rain don’t stop 70 participants will drop down into 14. And if it won’t really stop, the event might be postponed. An imaginary glass was shattered to the inner voice of my head. I think that was the longest 3 seconds of my life. All the sacrifice we had in the past month redundantly plays through my mind. I snapped back to consciousness and sat at the corner, thinking “What have we done? What brought us here?” Forgetting all this negativity, I just prayed for the rain to stop or good news; the rain didn’t stop but there was good news. Change of plans, and division of responsibilities. Group 1 will be in-charge for the pre-school children and group 2 will handle elementary to teenagers.

We had a really short briefing about what’s the plan but it came out pretty clear. The activities will be separated, and everything will be adlib. The pre-school kids will do the activities and youth group will have the play, the projector, the sound system. So mostly, technical entertainment is heavily established at the elementary and youth while tender, love, care and patience is heavily needed in the pre-school kids group. What could possibly go wrong?

This is where the event should be held, if the rain didn't occured

As the IT Committee, we are needed in both divisions, but we are suggested to be on the Youth side. We witnessed mostly the youth side.

We searched for the area we were assigned. With the rain still falling, we rushed finding that shelter. We arrived at a quiet area and a ‘caretaker’ or ‘nurse’ I presume, told us instructions and precautions. Luckily, it’s not that strict in that area so we freely designed the area with balloons. Most of the girls did the work, because most of the guys were outside organizing school supplies. While setting up, more and more kids are showing up. There is this one boy with a face mask on and couldn’t speak. He asked for a balloon design. He was with us, staring and even helping. And then there’s this other boy that could create astounding balloon twisted animal. He’s also there helping the rest. It really fascinates us that these children we were about to entertain, entertains us and even helps us.

Design team of the Youth Division

Design of the Pre-School Division

Design of the Youth Division (with projectors and sound system on side)

What’s left is the final setting and finishing. We are, again a bit nervous, for our special guest (Disciples of Escoffier Representatives) came to observe us. Our guitarist finally came, until there is only one problem that was solved immediately, speakers for the dance music and effects (there is already an amplifier that assessed the microphone and the guitar, but could not be connected at the projector). When everything’s all set, we began. The host already introduced the prayer leader. Though the noise is a bit distracting, a short and clear prayer for the day was delivered. After the prayer, the host, looking a bit nervous and unaware broadcast each statement with cheer. We started having a play we made up inspired from the avengers movie. The play consist wit and supposedly audience participation, but it gets a little less interesting through time so we shortened it up. The message of the play is clearly delivered and we proceed to the music number. There was a little delay at the food or something so we had to kill the time by playing videos and music. We began to sing a song that our musicians prepared. It started out not-so-good, but after a few parts, most of the class started to sing in front. We continued until food is distributed. We were never been astonished as the crowd cheered for more entertainment until everybody wants to participate. We had song requests and dance requests. It was really fun. We played more music and most of the class fed and entertained our beloved audience. After this wonderful scene, we didn’t fail to delight our two special guests that provided some of us certificates (we worked for a day in their event in exchange for donating in our event).

They saved the day by singing and entertaining our young audience

The last part of the event was gift giving. We played a cheerful song as our Professor instructed and we gave all of the gifts and donations we worked hard for. Then we gave the floor to our Professor. After all the acknowledgement is done, we ended the event with joyful laughter and cheerful music. After all the arrangement and the clean-up were done, youth adoration held us back in going anywhere. Though it breaks our hearts to leave, we had to. We did our part, and we didn’t regret that. We had to say goodbye but it doesn’t mean we’re never going to go back. What brought us there? Fate probably brought us there, and memories will bring us back. 

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A piece of meat and a piece of mind.

Wine and a medium rare steak please, half eaten.

Wine? What no milk? Probably what this dog thinking the whole time. Or maybe "I have no idea why I'm here." or or or or "Where's Raggy? Relma? Raphne? Red? Rooby wants rooby snax" or something like that. Anyways, I wish I could find something like this place up there. Where I can relax alone and drink some wine. I don't wanna get drunk but just want to fix this mind up. A piece of a peace of mind, that's what I need. Drink up wine, flush out the whines.

But the more I THINK about it. 

The more I FEEL like this.

GET YOURSELF TOGETHER DOG

Sigh. This day, probably it must be good. But I haven't seen it. I sure wish I see the sunshine but all I see was the cloud and chilly winds. It's my choice to look at a dark day a blessing in disguise but no. I go with the flow. I pretended to be happy but not. I know this won't last long but I sure hope this weird emotional stress end soon. Well, as long as things are unsettled and problems are unresolved.. It will be longer than it should be. After all, a peace of mind is just the first step. I shouldn't stay there. After having a peace of mind, I should resolve. Or should I resolve then have a peace of mind. Oh come on.

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