It felt like a decade ago since I last wrote anything. It felt like a decade ago since I have felt anything as strong as what I felt now. Married now for half a year and I never felt better. Did it really feel any different though, I ask myself.
We moved 3 times in different locations for the past year. It's exhausting honestly. Dealing in a crummy apartment that is shared with strangers. Have to deal pigeon shitting all over your balcony and newly laundered clothes. Seeing whores of all colors round up in front of the bar - though they really doesn't bother me much except of their high pitched voices shouting whenever they walk out drunk. Waking up with loud neighbors. Dealing with insensitive roommates that have heavy hands that everytime they open the fucking door is like a gunshot and everytime they step is like walking in shattered glass.
Made new friends I wish I never got closed to. I wish I could stop being socially acceptable. The fact that getting closed to people that you regret getting closed to drains all your mental capacity slowly - getting drowned with their lives and their shitty situations. Being stuck there to agree with everything they say that you honestly disagrees to.
I'm 25 and I'm usually friended with people 10 years older than myself since I was in my early 20's. Honestly I'm fed up with these self-righteous people trying to think they're fucking smart with their experience. I'm fed up of pretending that I fucking care with their godly opinions regarding money, relationship, politics and all those shitty lives they can't even get together.
2018 was a reminder of those people who knew life here is useless and pathetic. Zombieboy killed himself. Several members in bands killed themselves. Every year probably has more suicides than the other. Since I was a teenager, I'm always thinking in what year will I be part of?
People thought suicide is cowardliness - I beg to differ.
There are no week I haven't thought about. They think this was 1st world problem - maybe, I don't know. I grew up in a 3rd world country with my dad slaved in the middle east even up to now just to save me a life that he dreamed of for himself and had a mom that tried her best to be useful financially and emotionally be there for me.
I found a wife who understands me and we have been together for more than 5 years now. Got the same job I have been complaining about that gives me a decent amount of money compared on what I might never earn if I worked in my country with the skills I have. It's true, money are a numbers game. The higher you earn, the higher your needs will be. It will never be enough no matter what your lifestyle is.
Suicide is a brave act. I don't approve it, yet as a hypocrite like me would say, I fantasise it.
Whenever you tie that know before you hang yourself, you pull the trigger or even gather all those pills - unlike those close death encounters that your life flashes before you, instead the life you will leave behind flashes before you. The people you care about that will curse you for leaving them, the people that will grieve for a few months, years or whatever. The children that you supposed to have that you will never get to see grow up or even see them born in this world. All those accumulated anxiety in the past years will hit you all at once. It's hard. It's fucking difficult. It's fucking courageous to even think one second on departing in the world.
No matter your beliefs are it's courageous to die in your own hands. Christianity and other religions taught people that suicide brings your soul to hell. Atheism on the hand tells you it's pitch black. Maybe the Vikings has it a different way if you sacrifice yourself you might go in Valhalla but that's a different story.
I'm tired of this life. I just want to sleep and never wake up. It's just that it hurts to know people you care about will suffer because they thought what we did is selfish, but sometimes it feels like it is also selfish of them to make us responsible for their grievance. Once I die, people might weep for weeks, grieve for months and move on in a year. Celebrate your death like its a birthday. Funny, birth and death. It's just like another viral story or a viral video. People will know what you did, or what your story but your name will be forgotten like a rumor or a story that will be passed as an urban legend.
That's usually how it goes. I hope if I'm not dead by the time that I have built a family, this depression or anxiety won't kill me as it does now. I would be very sad for leaving a family behind - though will I feel anything anyways if I'm not alive?
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