Wubba Lubba Dub Dub

Wubba Lubba Dub Dub.

Rick and Morty is always such a hit, a masterpiece and an instant cult classic. Totally how I define my life *sarcastic Rick voice*.

When life gives you lemons, life will take it back on a matter of seconds.
Yesterday, I had the greatest feeling ever at work. I had a sense of accomplishment and for the first time in many years, I felt a bit of purpose. I did a long term preparation for our long awaited annual inventory that consists of many early to late shifts of constant stock checks mixed with special events that lasts weeks and sorts of miscellaneous deeds which others of my same position are not usually being handed over or given as their actual responsibility. I took a step forward because all I get are belittlement.
"You are handling a small area" "It's should be easy" "It's nothing special"

First, fuck you all.

Second. I don't know. Again, I'm bitching in this platform. Last 4 to 5 years of insults about not being good enough is no different in what I have now. I used to work on a bigger department and I admit, I was a real whiny inexperienced baby back then. Now, I'm just a whiny experienced baby. I used to work actually in the biggest branch in the region at the time. They praise my knowledge and my ability to work on reports yet what they saw was I was slow. They never saw the details in my work that I paid real attention to, even up to the minuscule field. They only saw me sitting at the office chair, planning my long term goals making the store better - with my pending work finished, and that's what they only see. Me. Sitting. In a fucking chair. Never had real appreciation anywhere. I requested back up and my back up exceeded their expectation. Had a very mature comparison and I fucking lost. They throw me at the smallest branch, and it's the best fucking thing that ever happened to me.

I had managers that trusted my plans, and don't interfere with my suggestions unless it's against the policy. I had the creative freedom that my former store did not gave me. And guess what? I had the best and most perfect inventory results 2 years straight now. But no, it's not an achievement. I'm the fucking smallest. I'm nothing. I had it easy. I have nothing to fight for and I have nothing to lose.

Yesterday was the best day of my life like I said. Today I felt the worst. Rumour has it that the one in charge in the now biggest branch in our region, who was recently promoted, was again gonna get promoted to fill the void of one position - So he's current position will be opened. Guess who will be there? My back up 3 years ago. The same person who I am long friends with ever since we worked together, who was a drinking buddy and was really a great advisor. I am very happy. For him. But I can't be happy for me. Every day I fantasize how would I die - but now I truly feel a part of me has already been killed.

I can't feel happy for the success of others while I'm drowning of misery. Fucking pathetic.

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Stuck

*tick tock*
*tick tock*
*tick tock*

I don't really hear that often - but it's better than hearing nothing at all. Never noticed our ceiling were this close while laying on our metallic loft bed from IKEA but with a mattress left by someone we barely knew.

I'm stuck.

These days felt like one of those Tyler Durden scenarios - never asleep and never really awake. I would like to take a rest, but these goddamn eyes were stuck like fucking glue for hours in this goddamn phone waiting for something new to happen.

*tick tock*
*tick tock*
*tick tock*

Oh look, it's the next day already. I don't want this day to end yet - unfortunately, it's out of my control. I would love to have an amazing sleep right now and I really don't remember the last time I had a night of uninterrupted sleep. It's not about the noise, it's not about the silence neither - there's just this part of me that won't rest until I'm probably dead and the frustrating part is I can't figure it out.

The job doesn't tire me. Like life or like these blogs I'm writing, it just gets boring by the second.

*tick tock*

Is it time to sleep yet? Yes. It's a tiring day and I should give it a break. Maybe the day is not the culprit for this tiredness, but maybe it's life. Maybe it's all in my head.

Ever felt like your always in the middle of something?



Fuck. I'm stuck.



You know when rich people complain about "money is not everything" and "fame = depression"?
You know when poor people just feel happy about not knowing other things in life and simple things are their freedom.
You know when you're in between those two.
You're not happy for not having "enough", but the mediocrity of the life's privilege for the average makes everything anti-climatic.
I don't want to struggle really, but I'm tired of riding this road. It's not even a road. It's a train track created way ahead of me and I'm just riding along.

Not because I'm moving means I am going somewhere.


*Tick Fuckity Tock. I'm Stuck*


I don't know how to express this running frustration. Even I can't explain myself most of the time. Maybe there are things that could not be spoken, or even written in different kinds of languages.

This testimony is not helpful in whatsoever way, just a bunch of whines. I don't even know if I should publish this, or just keep it in drafts; leave it like this or make it a little bit longer? I don't know.

Damn it. I broke my favorite wristwatch today.

I'm exhausted of LIFE. 

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Ars Moriendi

26th January 2019

It felt like a decade ago since I last wrote anything. It felt like a decade ago since I have felt anything as strong as what I felt now. Married now for half a year and I never felt better. Did it really feel any different though, I ask myself. 

We moved 3 times in different locations for the past year. It's exhausting honestly. Dealing in a crummy apartment that is shared with strangers. Have to deal pigeon shitting all over your balcony and newly laundered clothes. Seeing whores of all colors round up in front of the bar - though they really doesn't bother me much except of their high pitched voices shouting whenever they walk out drunk. Waking up with loud neighbors. Dealing with insensitive roommates that have heavy hands that everytime they open the fucking door is like a gunshot and everytime they step is like walking in shattered glass. 

Made new friends I wish I never got closed to. I wish I could stop being socially acceptable. The fact that getting closed to people that you regret getting closed to drains all your mental capacity slowly - getting drowned with their lives and their shitty situations. Being stuck there to agree with everything they say that you honestly disagrees to. 

I'm 25 and I'm usually friended with people 10 years older than myself since I was in my early 20's. Honestly I'm fed up with these self-righteous people trying to think they're fucking smart with their experience. I'm fed up of pretending that I fucking care with their godly opinions regarding money, relationship, politics and all those shitty lives they can't even get together. 

2018 was a reminder of those people who knew life here is useless and pathetic. Zombieboy killed himself. Several members in bands killed themselves. Every year probably has more suicides than the other. Since I was a teenager, I'm always thinking in what year will I be part of?

People thought suicide is cowardliness - I beg to differ. 

There are no week I haven't thought about. They think this was 1st world problem - maybe, I don't know. I grew up in a 3rd world country with my dad slaved in the middle east even up to now just to save me a life that he dreamed of for himself and had a mom that tried her best to be useful financially and emotionally be there for me. 

I found a wife who understands me and we have been together for more than 5 years now. Got the same job I have been complaining about that gives me a decent amount of money compared on what I might never earn if I worked in my country with the skills I have. It's true, money are a numbers game. The higher you earn, the higher your needs will be. It will never be enough no matter what your lifestyle is. 

Suicide is a brave act. I don't approve it, yet as a hypocrite like me would say, I fantasise it.

Whenever you tie that know before you hang yourself, you pull the trigger or even gather all those pills - unlike those close death encounters that your life flashes before you, instead the life you will leave behind flashes before you. The people you care about that will curse you for leaving them, the people that will grieve for a few months, years or whatever. The children that you supposed to have that you will never get to see grow up or even see them born in this world. All those accumulated anxiety in the past years will hit you all at once. It's hard. It's fucking difficult. It's fucking courageous to even think one second on departing in the world. 

No matter your beliefs are it's courageous to die in your own hands. Christianity and other religions taught people that suicide brings your soul to hell. Atheism on the hand tells you it's pitch black. Maybe the Vikings has it a different way if you sacrifice yourself you might go in Valhalla but that's a different story.

I'm tired of this life. I just want to sleep and never wake up. It's just that it hurts to know people you care about will suffer because they thought what we did is selfish, but sometimes it feels like it is also selfish of them to make us responsible for their grievance. Once I die, people might weep for weeks, grieve for months and move on in a year. Celebrate your death like its a birthday. Funny, birth and death. It's just like another viral story or a viral video. People will know what you did, or what your story but your name will be forgotten like a rumor or a story that will be passed as an urban legend.

That's usually how it goes. I hope if I'm not dead by the time that I have built a family, this depression or anxiety won't kill me as it does now. I would be very sad for leaving a family behind - though will I feel anything anyways if I'm not alive?

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