Little Johnny was raised in an orphanage run by priests and nuns. As a boy, he was always curious. There was a time when he's about four years of age. He was escorted by a priest, walking cheerfully towards the clinic.
Johnny said "vitamins?".
The priest smiled and nodded, "for what, my boy?".
Johnny scratched his eyebrows "to make me a strong boy!".
"Yes, little Johnny. Someday you are not going to be little anymore and you will need all the strength you can have while you're young. Physically and spiritually of course. Go in first, son"
Little Johnny went straight to the seat he climbed on to. As Johnny looked up to the young nurse, he smiled and showed something his well-known of in the orphanage, gapped front teeth. As usual, nurse Emily was amused.
The nurse took her flavored popsicle stick. "Say Ahh, little Johnny. Are you alright now?"
Little Johnny spoke while his mouth was being inspected, blurbing the words "Yes, I am. I just sneezed a little bit Ms Emily."
The nurse smiled and gave little Johnny the weekly booster and vitamins for extra protection against the flu. She really appreciates little Johnny's politeness and the Priest couldn't agree less. Johnny smiled and said to nurse Emily "Can I?" while holding already the stethoscope. He tried it on and start talking to the diaphragm.
While little Johnny was distracted, nurse Emily was amused. She looked back at the Priest and said, "Father, I'm sure he's going to be a good doctor!".
Father Enriquez smiled, while rubbing the boy's hair saying "God have good plans for this boy and for all of us, Emily.".
"I'm sure He does!" said gracefully by Emily.
....
Looking back at the past, listening to the conversation of Father Enriquez and nurse Emily. I asked myself, this plan is cruel.
Wondering to pull this trigger, as the burst of the bullet through this brain. This will be my last thought.
Like any other orphans, they said God has perfect plans, especially for us. Little Maddie, my best friend was sheltered by a family of pedophiles. She died when she was 10 - raped almost every day for more than a year. Her body could not take any more lacerations and abuse from this cruel predestination. Justice afterlife? The dad, the brother and the supporting mother were never found. The new case arrives, old cases are set aside. Long forgotten. Why can't little fucking Maddie have the justice before and after life? What lessons will be fucking remembered, and understood when the learner is dead. There's no fucking moral in the story when it comes to tragedy.
I guess from the moment they "bought" us and promise us the best life we could ever have, only a few "I know" lived up to the expectations.
Now I'm ending mine. I'm ending this path.This is my end part of His plans for me. Right before from the start, does He knew that my path leads to what believers called "Hell" or in other terms - eternal torment because you had the free fucking will, God, already decided a long time ago? Is heaven composed of selfish and pompous people happy that they are there and others they know are in hell? Or does Heaven is a place to justify conformity by literally removing the conscience of people. "Because hey, we're in heaven, we felt good, we did our part in saving your souls! Your suffering does not affect me even if we spend almost a lifetime together. I told you to follow 'His Plans' not your plans. Forget about the times I said 'you always have the choice' because come on! Religion is all about intimidation and some of the Pascal's Wager."I'm pathetic, smiling with a gun shoved into my throat. Having a Fight Clubesque kind of a scene.
The main question was, why are we given these beliefs. To have a better sanity when things don't go our way- a simple explanation our mind can easily understand?
We are pawns. Set of choices was given to us, but like a fucking maze with one beginning and one ending. We are given some set of directions or maybe not. We get lost in the way, but no matter what we do - we need to find that one exit.
If I did a mistake?
"God has better plans for you, just wait and see."
So should I blame Him?
"Blaming would only make things worse, let's move on and hope for the better."
If the next mistake caused death, is it part of the plan?
"The enemy which is evil causes these things."
Wait. I thought we shouldn't blame. So He allowed it? Because someone might learn something from there, is that it?
Let me get this straight. When things go wrong = enemy/God, because God allows it for us to learn from it, and this "enemy" does bad things so he gets credit also. When things are running smoothly = God, because that was His plan all along that we can't figure out. Why? Because we can't fucking predict the future.
A moment of silence to my pretentious alter-ego.
This uniform belief leads to controlled chaos because everyone had their own definitions. Everyone has their own sets of normality and morality. If a child learned that fending off black people was fucking right, bombing and killing them is gonna be his view of the right thing. He can be proud that his God made this plan for me, and he complied. He can celebrate. It's a sick world out here. Different leaders trying to take devotees as much as they can to build a society that will support their "normality". I can't live like this.
I'll find you, Little Maddie. If everything is destined, God already chose who will be saved and who will rot. This is the path I chose.
I am tired of Earth, these people. I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives. Who makes the world? Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. Perhaps it simply is, has been, will always be there. A clock without a craftsman.They claim their labors are to build a heaven, yet their heaven is populated with horrors. Perhaps the world is not made. Perhaps nothing is made. A clock without a craftsman. It's too late. Always has been, always will be...too late. - Dr. Manhattan (Watchmen, 2009)
