Hi there. It's me again. Sounds like a Mr. Robot introduction - but it's basically what it is. This journal is basically a conversation between me and my imaginary self - projected as an audience listening to my narrative in life, assuming I'm a main protagonist.
We all know why I'm here again. Yes, that time of the month.
That's right! Depressive Episodes.
Ever since I was a pre-teen, I used to fantasize a heroes death. For 18 years, one of the fantasies I always have is the image of me running to someone about to get hit by car, saving the person in exchange of my life. The image of dying in the streets - so surreal. I thought, it might be something about the heroes I used to see in pop culture - now I know it was never the case. It was death. I fantasize death all along.
I used to keep it to myself, but let it show somehow - about this crippling depression. Like seeking for attention or thirsting for validation, I want to let people, passive aggressively know to please, save me. I want to talk to a therapist, but doesn't have the will. I feel like, it would be the same, a waste of money.
It's unfair to be surrounded in a religious society that talking about suicidal thoughts and depression gets dismissed as "You just need God." or "You need to pray more" or "Am I not good enough for you?" or "What would people think about us?", "What about your mom, your dad, your wife, your child?", "You have a good life, you're not poor". Like as if I had any other choice. Like I love the way how it feels!? Like it's something I can turn on and turn off? Like you have to be poor to feel this way.
I just don't understand. I am trying to, my whole life I goddamn try to understand. I tried to be good, seek purpose, fight for racism, sexism, patriarchy. Be a genuine person. I am so frustrated in this life and I can't hide it anymore. Inch by inch my mind is melting away. My soul burns. My views losing it's purpose.
I'm sorry if anyone sees this. To see how pathetic this person you thought in social media is doing it right. I'm not okay, I hope that's okay.
