Yesterday, the prime minister of Japan has been assassinated. I will not be a full conspiracy nut here but for sure, the reason can be altered for media's purposes - but hey, everyone, these past few years, has been in a a nutty situation lately. Anything is possible now.
While I was cooking my dinner and posting it on instagram while may or may not inadvertently requesting for sympathy on my recent petty depression and anxiety episodes I wondered and mentally wandered again - this purpose I still seek. I have an average living state, have a loving wife and a daughter that eases every sadboii persona leaking in me. I couldn't be happier - why? I. Couldn't. Be. Happier. I am happy with my life in a microscopic point of view - but I couldn't ignore the fucked up things happening outside.
I was trying to understand day trading 2 months ago - at the height of loneliness working abroad, I received a phone call that every neurons firing up, screaming drop the fucking call - yet I didn't. It was a marketing call about a day trading platform. 2 months later, today, I know they charge commissions and spread fee a bit high - although I learned a lot from them through follow up calls and emails on information regarding the trading world and current events that affecting our lives.
I invested in this platform initially, 250 USD - few weeks, added 1000 USD and another 250 USD. It was going pretty well. I researched strategies of day trading, but I think I absorbed a merely 5% of all those youtube videos. In the end I just trust my gut when placing trades. I was gambling with extra steps. Every trade I place with a take profit, just gets it. I earned more nearly 1000 USD profits, even the broker told me I had a really good result with minimal supervision for a beginner - little did he know, I was guessing through some patterns that might not work on a second time.
Fast forward to last June, I had few small trades - gold is my favorite and natural gas. Then I tried oil and it went ok as well - on the same day, the broker called me that the trade central forecasts oil will be a close to 124 USD per barrel. It opened at 116 USD per barrel that day and I had few bullish trades that earned me 100+ USD. It was 119 USD per barrel that time and before end of day, I opened 4 trades and low and behold, I got a call that trading central updated, US market opened that time and the prices plummeted. I tried to hedge and hold it for few days, closed my 2 opened positions on a dividend giving company (that also didn't recover up to now) - in order not to drop my margin level and blow up my account. After 3 days, I closed all my positions when it hit a little higher - I lost 800 USD that day. after that, my favorite investment, gold - which was holding to it's position more firmly (bullish) and much stable from other commodities due to Ukraine - Russian conflicts, suddenly plummeted as well. Lost 500 USD as well. That week became the most depressing day of my month. I sulk and drowned.
Up to now, my account still didn't recover. It was not blown, but I lost my confidence in trading that recently I had highs and downs consecutively that my account is just turning into stalemate.
During these times, aside from world-wide crises, Elon Musk's narcissism and power trippings turned to Twitter. Biden made pipes of natural gas in US scarce, there was also a scarcity of a formula milk. A scarcity, of baby's milk, in the most powerful country in the world. Jesus H. Christ. Mark Zuck's Metaverse non stop advertising wanted me to delete FB, speaking of metaverse - all these crypto wankers couldn't shut up about NFT's as well. Seems like the usual breakfast - other side of the world, death, war and destruction, and other side - what's in the menu in the future of a capitalist world, exploiting the fear of missing out on these cryptobro's as per münecat.
The strangest thing is every commodity in trading is plummeting, yet every commodity in the market, is increasing. Gold was at it's lowest in a year and still going down, but the price here in Dubai is still the same from 2 years ago. They said "invest now, gold is cheap"- yet about a year ago, I bought the same price of a gold per gram during their steady increase in trades. Is it inflation? I don't know.
All these thoughts about our miserable current events and an amateur understanding about trades and economy, my anxiety and quarter life crisis boils down to my still never ending search for purpose.
I applied for a job, because my current company, despite the good benefits and my nice and caring recent manager, was not really good enough. After 3 years of no increase, while higher managements gets some of that yearly dough, they finally gave increase to most of us that they missed out. It was an insulting amount for a person that worked 8 years - it couldn't even catch up to the 2.5% average yearly inflation. Was I an ingrate? You decide, but if you managed to work long term who gave no incentives to overtimes, cancelled offs and a whole lot of dedication - probably because of discrimination hiding in plain sight, or because asses were not kissed - you'd be really disappointed. You know - supporting a family, by any means - yet the higher ups and those given better salaries, were having a weekly brunch and dinner buffet, buying their brand new six-figure cars, travelling to Turkey, and a business trip to Europe, while you're in this point of life that you try to eat the same food for few days until you see molds in it, really sends some kind of different messages about equality - and by the way they spam us with online trainings regarding inclusions, discriminations and a whole lot of ethics shit. Yet when there's an information leaks from the office, they first blame the Filipinos working there.
I applied for a job. They called me, I didn't send my CV. I had a good feeling about interview, it was a better company from mine, more popular and have more budget I thought. They offered a higher position. After my fulfilling interview, they said they will keep me updated. I told to my friend and colleague about my application, hoping I can finally escape and have a better salary. After a while he probably mentioned it to his other colleague. He started 2 years ago in a smaller store, yet he had bigger salary than my friend who worked for 6 years, and from me who worked for 8 years - life is sometimes disappointing for some but really great for others. I was the former (work wise). Anyway, going back, my friend's colleague turned down the offer because it was low. So now my hopes were crushed - hoping they would consider my offer and salary expectation. But now I doubt it dearly.
Sobering up today, I just felt that I needed to vent my disappoint with myself. All these commotions in the world, and I still get so affected by money. Comparing myself with people earning more than me believing I deserve that more than them. No matter I try to quit social media, I keep coming back for more validation. No matter I try to be less materialistic, I still care about the money. No matter I try to be stoic, I'm still a self-centered fool who gets easily disappointed when things doesn't go his way.
Economy is crashing again, and so do I. - But this happened many times already, and how hard it might be - I will still try to catch up on staying on my feet.
